University President Ronald Vaughn has a simple solution to helping improve the quality of Greek life on campus: remove it entirely.
“It’s easier than you’d think,” he said in a recent interview with The Minaret. “Greeks cause a lot of grief on our campus. They claim that they support and improve the community, but anyone with two eyes and a brain can see that they’re a bunch of partying scoundrels.”
SG President-elect Andrew Learned has promised that this will not pass.
“Just as I’m going to fight the alcohol policies, I’ll fight the new Greek policies as well.”
Learned did not have time for additional comments as he was busy changing the boiling point of water and learning how to operate his new tank, Horse.
The maelstrom began when Vaughn, incensed over negative publicity created by “ill-behaved fraternities and sororities” this year, proposed to the Board of Directors that, rather than try to reform wayward Greek students through the Conduct process, the school should instead focus on moving the problem off campus.
With the Board’s full support, Vaughn introduced to the Conduct Review System a series of new articles and sanctions outlining a method for the complete removal of Greek Life at UT.
“Basically, anyone wearing Greek letters will be written up for violation of Code 39, Greek Policies,” Vaughn explained with a wink. “It’s rather ingenious. The minimum sanction is expulsion, but I’ve actually gotten special dispensation from President Bush to deport groups of offenders. They thought the alcohol policies were tough? They ain’t seen nothing yet!”
The round-up of students began with the conversion of L.A.S.E.R. team golf-carts into “Paddy Carts,” driven by specially-trained Conduct Board and ROTC students.
Lucas “Frag” Whipple grinned as he explained his view of the situation.
“Really, it’s like target practice out here. We load up our rubber pellets, and anyone we see with the letters