Trolling about the college campus, one always experiences that cringe-inducing moment when a sartorial sin is spotted. Below follows a list of eight things that the sartorial “soul detesteth.”
8. Uggs and skirts:
Nothing is worse than a pair of Ugg boots- except Ugg boots with a skirt. It’s apparent that Ugg boots are ludicrously comfortable, but if it’s warm out enough to wear shorts, then I can guarantee your feet are sweating inside those Shearling moonboots. Defined by Urban Dictionary, Ugg Boots are “hideously unattractive footwear named after the mind-possessing Ugg gnomes living inside the thick material [shearling] who convince girls that boots actually look good with skirts.” Gnomes or not, don’t do it.
7. Save the whale tail for Animal Planet, not the college campus:
We can all appreciate good underwear when appropriate circumstances allow for it. But if the kid behind you in class is more focused on Victoria’s Secret in front of him than Queen Victoria in his textbook, there is a problem. Please pull up your pants, ladies. You don’t want to be giving a free show without you being aware of it.
6. Popped collars:
A collar that is a tad flared can be classy in the right context, but a collar should never be popped vertically straight. Before the 20th century, men and women alike wore “popped” or upturned collars; this trend was specifically popular among the clergy. Come the dawning of a new century, French seven-time Grand Slam champion Rene Lacoste and his eponymous clothing line created a loosely-knit pique cotton shirt, with an un-starched collar, which could be, persay, “popped” in order to block the sun while on the tennis court. Today, we cannot understand why your collar is still popped: in all likelihood, you are not a part of the clergy nor are you a tennis player concerned with sun burn. Even Abercrombie & Fitch corporate styling requirements detailed that their workers should not have “upturned” collars. Unpopit.
5. Leggings as pants
Throughout history, leggings, or a variation of our modern day tights, have been used by both sexes as a means to stay warm in the winter months. Throughout the 13th century, separate leggings, or hose, were popular for men up until the 16th century. Native Americans wore separate buckskin leggings in order to keep warm, while cowboys wore a similar type of leather legging to protect from chapping caused by riding. Leggings were an effective way of keeping dirt and filth from entering one’s shoes, as well as protecting against insect bites, and were particularly popular among military infantry beginning in the late 19th century. Then come the 80s, and everyone wants to be Jennifer Beals from Flashdance. Now, women are just too lazy to wear pants- thus, the legging-as-a-pant misunderstanding arose and persists among college campuses.
4. Baseball hat stickers
Interestingly enough, the curved bill of a baseball hat originates from a similarly curved sun bonnet, popular in the 19th century among women folk. In the 21st century, baseball hats look great on a majority of guys- it frames the face and encourages swag. Regardless, we cannot understand why you refuse to take the stickers and tags off of your baseball hat. It looks like you just stole that from Sports Authority.
3. Wife beaters
When consulting Urban Dictionary, a wife beater is defined as “a very tight, white tank top that is ribbed in texture. This style of shirt is usually found on overweight white guys hailing from the trailer courts. Unmistakable markings of BBQ sauce or chew spit on the front and smelling of old style beer and excessive perspiration. The wearer can be found which involves his toothless relatives working the carnival rides.” Another definition of wife beater reads “a person who beats on or abuses their wife/girlfriend. A person with no respect for women. An emotional mental physical abuser of females.” Both are frowned upon.
2. Plaid on stripes, on stripes, on stripes, on stripes:
Hipsters can pull off mixing prints because they are hipsters –although they won’t admit it. For the common layman, it is obvious that you didn’t do your laundry this weekend and now you are wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. Chances are slim that the colors are matching. You look like a quilt.
1. Man cleavage
A caveat off of the V-neck qualm above, man cleavage is also frowned upon. If you have the body of a Greek god or Ryan Gosling, you might as well unbutton your entire shirt. If that is not the case, men please refrain from indecency and button your shirt up above the sternum. No one wants to see that, because it’s just gross, especially all those unruly chest hairs.
Katelyn Edwards can be reached at katelyn.edwards@spartans.ut.edu.
What a god-awful article.