Ridiculous Advice for Women to Pick Up Men (He Said)

When it comes to picking up girls, we’ve all seen the countless advice given through magazine articles, TV shows, the Internet and the writing on the wall in bathroom stalls. But it seems like all the focus is on how the guy can pick up the girl, and nobody is helping the girl to pick up a guy. That’s why I’m going to be the voice for every guy in the world and let you girls know a few tips guaranteed to help you find a guy (at least for one night).
First off, the most obvious thing girls could do to pick up a guy is the one thing they never do. Buy him a drink! Think about it, how many times have you heard a guy at the end of the night say, “I was buying that girl drinks all night, I can’t believe she didn’t like me”? We literally can’t even believe when a girl doesn’t like us after we buy them drinks, because to a guy, that’s the nicest thing someone could ever do for us! Do you know what a guy would say if you bought him a drink? I don’t know because it’s never actually happened, but it would probably be something like “I love you,” except for the first time in his life, he’d actually mean it. (I’m just kidding, he still wouldn’t mean it). And the more dedicated you are to buying a guy drinks, the more dedicated he’ll be to you. He’ll be telling all his friends, “Yeah, we don’t have much in common, I don’t really like her personality and honestly, I’m not even attracted to her… but she has always paid for my drinks… and it’s been the best 26 years of my life.”
The next piece of advice I can give any girl trying to pick up a guy is simple. Be attractive. And by no means am I saying that’s the most important thing guys are looking for, but I’ve never heard a guy say, “dude, check out that girl by the bar… she’s so smart!” So to get a guy to approach you, you need to be somewhat attractive. And while being attractive is easier said than done, through the magic of slutty outfits, makeup, perfume and Photoshop, any girl can be attractive!  Don’t believe me? Find a picture of Lady Gaga with no makeup on and you’ll know exactly what I mean (but I’d still poker face). As long as you have an attractive face or body, you should have no problem getting a guy’s attention. If you have an attractive face and a hot body, you probably have no problem picking up guys and don’t need to be reading this (assuming you can read). And if you don’t have an attractive face or a hot body and refuse to put on makeup or wear a slutty outfit… stick to dimly lit bars and refer back to my first piece of advice and you should be fine.
Finally, the last piece of advice I can give to any girl looking to pick up a guy is be interesting. We don’t care about how sick last night’s club was, we don’t care about how annoying your ex-boyfriend was, and we don’t care about how your roommate always wants to watch Real Housewives of New Jersey when you want to watch Real Housewives of Orange County. Tell us about yourself! Where are you from? What do you do for fun? What are you interested in? What are your dreams and aspirations? How many drinks do we need to buy you before you come home with us? And if you live a boring and uninteresting life, there’s a simple trick which guys love to do when picking up girls… lie! Britney Spears is your cousin and you were a sushi chef/cage fighter this summer? Guaranteed, every guy around you will want to hear that story.
As for all the girls who I’ve offended through my advice, you must admit if an attractive, interesting girl approached a guy and offered him a drink, there’s no doubt he would be yours. And I may sound chauvinistic, but trust me, I believe in equality between men and women more than anyone I know. And besides men getting paid more, controlling the majority of senate, congress and always winning the presidency, we’re basically completely equal at this point. So follow my advice and you’ll be picking up guys in no time!