Hello, Mr. Potential Employer. Allow me to introduce myself. I am your new god.

I’ve heard that the job market is tough for graduating seniors these days, with many looking toward elicit rackets such as back alley kitten juggling just to make a buck.

Not so with me.

I may look like just another college student with a sense of entitlement, vapid post-modern outlook, and no practical skills, but that last part – that’s where you’re wrong, my friend.

You see, I can operate Word 2003 at an intermediate level. Don’t believe me? Sound too good to be true? Look at this genuine University of Tampa class syllabus, buddy.

It says so right here.

At first I was concerned. When I sat down in ITM 200 to take the Word pre-test, I was baffled and amazed by my low score.

After all, I’ve been using Word for years.

But certain questions lulled me into a false sense of security: “Highlight the word ‘Cow’ in the first sentence; change the font to bold.”

Easily done, right?

Question two: “Build a computer from scratch; use only parts made in Paraguay.”

But I overcame, and am now – as of 2:45 PM last Monday, after fifteen minutes of grueling test-taking – a certified Word 2003 intermediate badass.

All of the commands you’ve never used before? I know ’em. You want to remove the white space between pages while you type? I know it doesn’t make a difference, but be honest: Is that white space pissing you off?

Leave it to me.

You want to create an autotext entry so you don’t have to keep laboriously typing “Branch Manager” over and over?

I’m your man.

Who cares about that Branch Manager, anyway? He doesn’t even sign his own correspondence; he uses a stamp! What a jerk!

In the near future, I’ll be extending my talents to Excel and Powerpoint. I’m not sure what Excel is, exactly, except that it appears to be some kind of unholy union between Word and an algebra textbook.

As for Powerpoint, even though it has made me groan with frustration every time I see a professor use it, I’m sure a new era is about to dawn.

After all, those professors had only basic skills. I’m about to kick it up exactly one notch.

Bam!

I’ve been assured that I will be using my newfound talents at some point in my University of Tampa career. The fact that I haven’t needed them yet is just luck of the draw, I assume.

Perhaps I’ll go back in time and aid my younger self with my slightly more than adequate mastery. After all, “discover the secret of time travel” was one of the questions on my Word exam.

You nearly got me that time! Naughty, naughty, Word!

There is an echo of trouble on the horizon, though. After all, Word 2007 – which runs like an artifact from an alien civilization where they’ve evolved beyond the need for user interfaces – is currently being installed on computers around the campus.

My Word 2003 skills may not translate to Word 2007, which I’ve so far only managed to turn on and stare at, entranced.

Where are the buttons? Where are the menus? Am I allowed to touch this? Help me, Bat-Vaughn!

But for now, I’m riding high. After all, if something is in the curriculum at UT, it must be important. Next semester – during which I only need to take Finite Math and Chemistry ‘ Society – I will have to find some way to incorporate Powerpoint.

Maybe I can do a smooth jazz number about binomial coefficients. It’ll feature a dancing banana, because I’m that good. But not too good.

All the ladies are going to moderately swoon at my mad intermediate skillz. After all, by the time people actually start using Word 2007, it’ll be 2017.

Until then, I have a medium amount of street cred. Follow my acceptable lead and you’ll be changing decimal tab settings all night long.

Yeah, that’s right. Stick with me, baby; we’re going all the way to the middle.