With the term winding down, the time has finally come for me to begin to plan my European odyssey. Needless to say, coordinating travel through so many countries has been difficult work; so difficult, in fact, I’ve considered bypassing Europe entirely and going directly to Australia, which is where I plan to live out the rest of my life after retirement (hopefully at age 30).
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Of course, this has left very little time for other matters, such as writing articles for The Minaret. Taking after its namesake in the Muslim world, staffers of The Minaret are generally called upon to turn toward Vaughn Center and bow down in reverence to the newspaper eight times a day, seven days a week. To prevent this ritual from interfering with my vacation, I will be writing a number of articles in advance.
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In effect, the next legitimate article I submit for commentary will occur well after I’ve already left Oxford. It seems only fitting that I should summarize the experience now. However, I’ve also been informed that this week’s edition of the paper will be online only, suggesting that commentary’s regular audience of four will be cut down to two. No doubt even these die-hard commentary fanatics will be otherwise occupied, sipping drinks with umbrellas and quite possibly having Gone Wild.
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As such, for your viewing pleasure, I’ve encapsulated some helpful tips for future world travelers into a series of bullet points. Feel free to read them between commercial breaks, as that would be in keeping with the manner in which they were written.
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British people are like us, only with unusual accents and much taller womenfolk. Having come from Florida, where statistically the average female is close to my own height, I find that I need to ascend a small ladder just to maintain proper eye contact. If you are planning to come to Great Britain, bring a ladder, or at least a log, as this can double as a device for recreational tossing if you visit Scotland.
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The British and the French are locked in mortal combat over nothing much in particular. This began back in the day when leading politicians were distinguished by wearing slightly cleaner loincloths than the average person and has not ended yet. The French are aware of this and have apparently boycotted the entire English speaking world until further notice. If you accidentally enter France, be sure to leave a trail of bread crumbs so you can find your way out.
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The British are a stout and hardy people, and they prize self-sufficiency. Therefore, if you arrive at your study abroad housing and find out that something is amiss, such as exposed wiring, knee deep sewage or open flame, it may be advisable to take a course in the related discipline and fix it yourself. No doubt someone in Oxford is an expert on the subject.
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In Scandinavia, relatively few people speak English, and this can be a problem.
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The Netherlands are not to be spoken of. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it has to do with the name.
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In Britain, the police are distinguished by their bright yellow rain coats and purple-and-green vehicles. They are very helpful and can easily intervene in any crisis, as thirty of them file out of one small patrol car. Unlike U.S. police officers, they do not have a reputation for eating donuts, as Krispy Kreme here does not open until 10 a.m. I’m not sure what they eat instead.
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A heavy length of chain is useful both for securing your passport to your body and fending off attempts to remove it.
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British media has relatively less censorship than in the U.S., which one may discover by fortunate means, such as listening to spirited political debate on the radio, or unfortunate means, such as by accidentally observing a shower scene involving middle aged men on Big Brother. Use your media devices responsibly.
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If you plan to travel, be sure to arrive not less than 16 months before the start of term.
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And now, I am off to Sweden, where I will spend half a week looking for anyone who speaks English.