Among my circle of friends there is a legendary item of renown.’ It is not legendary because of any properties it possesses, but rather for the singular honor which it represents: it is the Champion Mess Belt.’
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The person who is the holder of the Belt is the individual who has been the most ridiculous mess at a party, slovenly and drunken.’ He must be approved by a jury of his peers and the current holder of the Belt.’ There are many ways to get the belt: licking the testicles of another man in an attempt at some inebriated joke, piercing your septum with the spout of a water bottle on your third attempt to drink from it, or passing out in the hallway wearing boxers and a cowboy hat (known as the ‘Giddyup Manuever’).’ It takes distinguished feats of mess-hood to gain the Belt, and by its very nature the ante is upped every time a new mess steps forward to inadvertently challenge the reigning champion.
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I highly recommend all close groups of friends obtain such a Belt (ours is fashioned from a children’s toy WWE championship belt) and inaugurate this tradition.’ It has a twofold purpose: it prevents many people from embarrassing themselves, as they seek to avoid the shame of the Belt, and it spurs the worst offenders into new and entertaining lows as they attempt misguidedly to win the ‘honor’ of being the Champion Mess.
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There is a dangerous downside, however.’ There is a distinct trend, when faced by an individual who has become drunk and appears to be making a run for the Belt, to encourage him to drink more and do crazy things.’ The natural instincts we show towards other human beings’mdash;compassion, concern, mercy’mdash;all fly out the window in your rush to bring the contender another shot of J’auml;germeister.’ Suddenly it seems natural to make the suggestion, ‘Hey, do you think you could break that wall with your head?” Truly, being in the presence of the Belt forces us to reveal our inner nature.
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Many might think that the Belt would actually discourage people from doing ridiculous things . . . after all, it’s not something one should strive to win ideally.’ But it’s important to note that some people will never understand simple social conventions such as remaining clothed, not licking the genitals of a stranger, and so on.’ These are people who cannot grasp the nature of a given situation.’ An excellent example of such a person, although not related to the Belt, is that of Delbert Teague, Jr.
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Delbert was executed in 1998 in Texas.’ His crimes were cold-blooded murder and sexual assault, and he exhausted the appeals process for more than ten years.’ But in the end, he went to the chair for his crimes.’ As he stood up to deliver his final statement, a moment in which he could beg for forgiveness, express his regrets, or simply say something profound or witty, he had the opportunity to be dignified.’ He wasted that moment with his last words: ‘I have come here today to die, not make speeches.’ Today is a good day to die’hellip; Est Sularus Oth Mithas!’
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In case you’re wondering, the second part of that statement is a quote from the Klingon aliens of the Star Trek series of television shows and movies, and the last part is not a Latin maxim, but rather a slogan of the Knights of Solamnia in the language of High Solamnic, from the fantasy book series Dragonlance.’ Some people simply have no sense of dignity.’ And it is these people who win the Belt.