The most appealing aspect of a relationship is comfort—the comfort to talk about feelings, to perform bodily functions without (much) judgment, and above all, the comfort with performance in a bedroom. It is common knowledge that when the sex dies, the relationship is headed for trouble—but when the relationship goes, why should your sex life suffer eternally? It is important for anyone to make a fluid transition (or transmission) to a lifestyle of singlehood once again.
When coming out of a relationship, there is a variety of culture shocks one is faced with. These include no longer having a guaranteed date to social events and date functions, never knowing where your next kiss is coming from, and experiencing the sudden realization that articles on Elite Daily that tell you why being single in your twenties is okay now actually relate to you. Above all, there is also the discomfort of knowing that you, yourself, will probably be the source of your next few sexual encounters.
“When you’re not in a relationship, intimate relations carry a lot less meaning,” said Shaun Lamoureux, a sophomore International Business major. “It’s more material—like self-interest. When in a relationship, it’s more about closeness than accomplishment.”
The shift in romantic encounters may come as a surprise. When exiting a long-term relationship, one is likely used to a sex life that is very open to communication, experimentation and exploration. When in sync with another person for an extended period of time, opening up (your legs) to a new partner can feel something like being pushed down a flight of stairs—bumpy, uncomfortable, unpredictable, and a great story to whisper about to only your closest friends. On the other hand, it is also possible that you could find the experience to be eye-opening, and will help you to learn more about your own likes and dislikes. Be open to this kind of exploration—the most exciting part about starting over is getting to know yourself.
While there may not be the same level of closeness that comes with being in love, experiencing relations with another person is completely healthy. In a campus and world filled with slut-shaming, the act of ostracizing individuals for participating in sexual practices, many are quick to publicize their judgments about the sex lives of other people. One must tune the opinions of others out entirely. No other person has the right to take control of your reproductive organs, so use them (or don’t use them) to your heart’s content.
Most importantly, one should not have sex until they are absolutely ready. Following the demise of an intimate relationship, it is likely that one’s feelings will be scattered, unstable and unpredictable. Do not act on a whim, because the unfortunate truth is that there is no undo button on your sex life– there is only the undoing of buttons. As a result, pick your partner, or partners, wisely. After a break-up, the last thing one needs is yet another regret.
The easiest way to develop a sex life once again is to make like Nike and just do it. It truly is that simple—but it is vital that one acts responsibly. Becoming single and ready to mingle doesn’t mean that you should try to get to know the nether-regions of everyone you know (unless you really want to, in which case, more power to you).
For safety’s sake—be sure to always use protection. Straight or gay, the use of condoms is essential. Many neglect to use condoms when they are on the pill, because they have eliminated their worry about conceiving a baby. An important reminder: The pill does not protect against STD’s, people often forget to get tested, and UT’s campus spreads a lot more disease than you’d probably think. For those that are not on the pill and still are not using condoms, remember: Getting a baby inside of you is easy. Pushing it out of you is much more difficult.
Like all aspects of one’s life, good experiences must be practiced in moderation. Let sexuality continue to be a part of your life, but don’t let it rule as your number one priority. Humans are social creatures, and especially after a breakup, it is important to act on this. Spend time with your friends, take control of your education, keep up with extra-curricular activities, and have fun. By removing the focus of trying your hardest to get laid, the stress of the topic will subside almost entirely. Be patient, and your future sex life will come (and so will you).
Terry Preston can be reached at terrence.preston@spartans.ut.edu