With the economy in its current state and the job market not looking so hot, many people are looking for alternative ways to make a living. So what better excuse to start a band?!
Why get a real job when you can be rich and famous playing music while travelling the country and partying? But it’s not as easy as it sounds.
First off, you need to find your talent. The lead singer should be someone with hair down to his knees. On top of that, the guy needs to wear extremely tight pants, but never a shirt because he needs to show off his countless tattoos of skulls, hearts, stars and random words like “death,” “love” and “respect.”
He’ll be the most emotional member of the band and expect everyone to treat him like a god (or devil, depending on the music).
Next, you need a lead guitarist. He will be the most talented one by far but be surprisingly humble except for the spontaneous 35 minute long solos he’ll throw into every song.
The keyboardist will be the nerdy one in the band who takes care of all the complicated technical stuff like “reading” and “plugging in instruments,” making sure everything runs smoothly.
The drummer will be the quiet one even though he ironically makes the most noise in the group, and is also the most violent. You will usually seem him playing with a lighter even though he does not smoke.
The final member in the band is the bass player. This could be anyone from a 13-year-old kid to a 50-year-old businessman. As long as they can play the same two strings for five minutes straight and stay out of the way, they’ll be perfect.
Now this may sound like a very diverse group of people to bring together, but every band stays strong through their shared love of music. Music and drugs. Mostly just drugs.
And normally it would be hard to find a group of people like this, but because Craigslist exists, it shouldn’t take you more than five minutes of sorting through prostitutes before you find your band.
So once the band has been assembled, it’s time to give it a name.
Usually something along the lines of The Junkyard Sluts, Gandhi’s Lunchbox, Jesus Chrysler, The Phat Dumps, Nutsack or Blink 182 works fine.
Just give it some metaphorical meaning and nobody can question it. “Yeah, see, Phat Dump is actually a metaphor for the war in Iraq, because it’s a really crappy situation. Get it?”
Once your band has a name, the next step is writing some songs.
It sounds intimidating, but if the lead guitarist can learn three chords and the lead singer works in phrases like, “need you back,” “fight the system,” “one more time,” “raging fire” and “God bless America,” the band should have no problem banging out 15 songs in eight minutes. Keyboard, drums and bass can just jump in wherever they feel necessary.
After the songs are written, find out whose parents own a garage, and you’ve got your practice stage. A basement, sewer or abandoned Dairy Queen can also be sufficient places to practice.
And don’t be distraught if the first few days the band sounds like a dying cat being hit with pots and pans in a rain storm. Because with hard work and regular practice, your band can start to sound like a dying cat being hit with pots and pans in a rain storm with some rhythm. And that’s all you really need to be considered a band at this point.
Now that you have a fully functional band, you can start on your journey to stardom by performing at local venues, which you will need to constantly promote through Facebook, MySpace and bathroom stall walls.
Promotional messages such as, “Hey ya’ll! Come on out to the hottest rock show on the planet this Saturday at the McDonald’s play-place on Hillsborough Avenue.
New up-and-coming-super-awesome-amazing-sexy-band Zombie Panties will be performing songs from their debut album, Tub of Slugs in appreciation of Jonathan Goldberg’s Bar Mitzvah.”
Yes, the rise to the top may not sound so glamorous, but performing in high school assemblies, strip club bathrooms and 24-hour IHOPs can earn anywhere between $20 to $23 at a time! That’s a lot of drugs you could buy!
Who knows, four years later your band might be trashing a penthouse in Vegas during a coke and strippers party.
Or they might still be making eight dollars to perform during halftime of girls’ middle school soccer games. It’s all really dependent on musical talent.
John Jacobs can be reached at jjacobs@spartans.ut.edu