Want A New Star Sign? Now is The Time To Change

2010 held a few suprises: Americans finally became interested in soccer (for about two weeks) and J.D. Salinger died (he wrote a book or something, right?). But no one was ready for this. And then it happened. Our zodiacs changed.

For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll update you. An astrologer named Parke Kunkle was being interviewed for a newspaper (which is silly; nobody reads those) and he mentioned that zodiacs are no longer the same.

The zodiac signs were configured over 2,500 years ago. But over time our planet’s axis has been gradually shifting. That means that the constellations we thought we were born under were actually incorrect.

Apparently, astronomers have known this for years, but like my popularity, it just never caught on.
And, as if that weren’t enough, there are actually thirteen signs in the zodiac, not twelve.

Ophiuchus, pictured here, wasn’t included in the final “draft” of the zodiac because the ancient Babylonians wanted an even dozen. No joke, they discarded it because they like the number twelve.
I have no idea why they chose to discard Ophiuchus, but I imagine it’s because his name is impossible to pronounce (or because the sun spends the least time in Ophiuchus’ sphere… my reason is better).

Ophiuchus is a snake-like creature that is sometimes depicted wrapped around a staff. If you were born under Ophiuchus, then you’re interested in wisdom and peace, have musical talents, are likely to be a tax collector and wear plaid a lot. I am not even kidding.

Now, there are two forms of Western astrology. One is seasonal and the other is more eastern. If you follow the latter then you’re among those whose horoscope has been effected.
But this update on the “new” dates and signs isn’t new at all. It has just become mainstream information within the last few weeks.

How are people responding to this information? Those who actually follow astrology, like UT alumni Kim Truong, remain unworried.
“I don’t follow that zodiac, so it has nothing to do with me. Not my zodiac; not my problem,” Truong said.

But some people are upset. The ones who seem the most angry about this are the ones who were never that devoted to astrology in the first place. The hardcore star-sign people know that their signs haven’t changed, the apathetic don’t care. It’s the ones who only read their horoscope once a week in a newspaper who are reacting.

Are they wrong to be? I decided to put myself in their shoes. I’m a Scorpio but according to the new dates I’d be a Libra.
Yes, after ten seconds of letting that sink in, I feel angry. I’ve spent my entire life being a Scorpio; we’re like the Johnny Depp of the zodiac.

We’re sex gods who are incredibly bright; we don’t put up with nonsense and we’re so passionate we could light a fire. With our passion.
And now suddenly I’m a Libra. A Libra. Libras are the hippies of the universe. I went from sex master to Janis Joplin. Libras are known for being loving and caring, accepting of others and tolerant. And now I’m one of those.

Disgusting. I know all this about them because I googled it really quick and then spent about 40 seconds skimming a web page about it.
I don’t even know what a Libra is. Is it a scale? Why is it always being held by naked people?

I went from a super awesome scorpion animal to a scale. I used to mix my Chinese zodiac sign with my Western one, so I’d have a scorpion-dragon creature with wings and a poisonous tail that breathed fire.
Now I imagine a scale with wings or a really fat dragon being held by naked people.

Libras are supposed to be smart, sensitive people. But their mindset is artistic, rather than intelligent. But they’re too moderate to actually do art. You know what you call an “artsy person” who can’t actually make art? A hipster. That’s what I’ve been given. Goodbye, scorpion; hello, hipster.

Granted, I never followed my star-sign and I don’t believe in it, but some people do. If you’re one of countless who got their star-sign tattooed on your body, you’re out of luck.

I have friends with their sign tattooed into very visible places and they’re not happy about the change.“But I don’t follow that kind of astology,” they tell me. I’m pretty sure before this month they never even knew there were multiple zodiacs, but hey, any excuse to not be a Gemini is understandable.

So look at this as an opportunity. If you were born to one of the bad signs (Gemini and Libra) now is your chance to switch. You can pick and choose with the zodiac now. “I want this zodiac. No wait, I want THIS one. This one has 17 and a half signs and one of them is a hamster that talks like Bill Cosby.”

Richard Solomon can be reached at richard.solomon@spartans.ut.edu.