For Thanksgiving break, most students travelled home to celebrate, which, in most cases, meant dealing with the new TSA security measures.
Now, with the new procedures in place, when you go through airport security, you’ll either step into a machine that performs a full body scan or get a pat-down from one of the security guards.
The body scan is helpful because by fully scanning everyone we can know whether or not that 5-year-old is bringing a bomb onto the plane or whether that nice old lady is smuggling cocaine (again).
The problem with the stricter security is that some people become uncomfortable when they are told their whole body will be scanned, or that they’ll be patted-down (felt-up) by a security guard.
The trick to dealing with this kind of discomfort is by making the other person feel uncomfortable.
Some people have made claims that the full body scans feel like letting the security see them naked.
If that’s the case, before walking into the scan announce to the security personal viewing the body scans,
“Enjoy the show!” then wink to him before it begins and make direct eye-contact with him the whole time. That should work.
Or, if the body scan is not your thing, you can make the security people feel more uncomfortable by getting an erection.
Yeah, all of a sudden they won’t want to search you so much anymore.
If they try to ask you how that happened or if you have some sort of problem just say, “I really love planes.”
I’m sorry girls, but that trick can only work for the guys (unless you’re a girl with a “secret” you haven’t told anyone).
Of course, another option for travelling home is to drive back.
Whether it’s a short trip or 16-hour drive, the most important thing is deciding which friend you’re going to be making the trip with.
I’ve figured the longer the drive is, the more you should like that friend you’re going to be driving with.
Think about how long a 16-hour drive is. It’s only going to be you and that one friend you’re with.
Even if you plan to just listen to music, you can only listen to music for so long before it becomes uncomfortable.
Also, the longer the drive is, the more intense the conversation is going to be, so you need to be prepared for that.
If it’s only a couple hours, topics you’ll generally talk about are current events, sports, music, pop-culture and school.
If the drive is more like six-to-eight hours long, eventually the conversation will lead to deeper things like, family, life goals, high school memories and relationships.
If you’re in a car with someone for over 15 hours, be prepared to hear about things like, “that horrible thing I’ve never told anyone before” and “how something that happened to me when I was five has affected the rest of my life.”
Choose carefully your driving companion or things can get real uncomfortable and awkward.
If you still need to travel, but aren’t taking a plane and can’t find a ride, the last option is to take a bus.
Now I’m not saying a long-distance bus ride is horrible, but, yes, that’s basically what I’m saying.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some luxury buses you can take.
With luxury buses, we can assume that people are choosing to travel that way, when most people who take buses have no other choice.
I’m pretty sure every bus station doubles as a homeless shelter. As you move about one you’ll find yourself stepping around sleeping people.
Sometimes the same one twice, depending on where they’re laying down.
If you accidentally wake one up, just make sure not to move, as they’re completely blind in the light and can only sense movement.
Once on a bus, it’s common “bus rules” not to make eye contact with anyone and to not speak unless spoken to first.
The other passengers on the bus will usually consist of the woman who looks deeply depressed, the runaway 14-year-old (who will go back home in two days), the old prostitute, a Vietnamese man with a Lakers hat and a homeless man sleeping in the bathroom and migrating west for the winter.
Just think about how much money you’re saving and hassle you’re avoiding by not taking a plane or driving.
That should help get you through it.
There’s no better feeling than getting home to see your old friends and having a break from school.
But no matter how much fun it is being home, you’ll still find yourself missing the 75 degree Tampa nights, the familiar glow from the many neon lights outside the strip clubs and the thousands of drink specials at the bars on any night of the week.
John Jacobs can be reached at jjacobs@spartans.ut.edu.