It can be difficult for today’s average college male to feel masculine. It’s more common than one might think. You might not know it guys, but many of the people around you are actually holding you back from releasing your inner-awesome-manliness. Good thing I’m here to help you all out. Again.
We’ll start with the basics. If you think partying is manly, you’re mistaken. Partying like a “G” is manly. All other partying is silly.
Gentlemen, this means put down the mixed drinks, stop adding coke to your liquor because you don’t know how to do a shot, lay off the Smirnoff and pick up a beer. The only time you should ever deviate from beer is if its to do eight shots in a row — from between a set of boobs.
I know this can be tough guys, but your masculinity is at risk! When was the last time you wiped your nose on your sleeve? When was the last time you spit? Take a deep breath and ask yourself, when was the last time you didn’t ask for directions? I know, it’s tragic. Embrace your inner man. Let him out, let him roar like a robot that is fighting Buddha on Showtime.
Let’s analyze another aspect of your life. There is a stigma that video games are geeky, but don’t let this stop you from playing them. It’s important to show off your masculinity by doing a few curb stomps and killing a Greek god or three. How else will your video game w—- know that you’re a boss? Without an impressive stream of Halo kills that no one will care about because CoD is better, what will you do?
This is just a return to the basics. If you’ve made it this far, then we are safe to step things up. It gets slightly more complicated from here on out, but the return is great, so long as you follow my instructions to the letter.
Don’t apologize for anything, ever. If you accidentally bump into someone, accuse them of being jealous of your looks. Threaten to punch them. This is especially essential if the person in question is a child.
The next time your girlfriend cries, laugh at her. Then tell her that her hair makes you think of Pauly Shore.
Nothing is manlier than sweat. Wear your musk proudly.
It’s a known fact that women love sweaty guys, so the trick here is to work out constantly until you’re bathed in your own body fluids and then go try to hug every female you see. Did I say hug? I meant bear-hug.
Stop acting like you’re from the Jersey Shore. If you don’t know the answer to something, become belligerent. Bluff like you know what you’re talking about and become increasingly louder. This works better if you threaten the other person with a “good pounding.” Name your fists.
Make sure your Facebook profile picture is a car. If you don’t own a cool one, use a picture of somebody else’s. A weird red or a gross yellow paint job is a must. Have a caption talking about your car’s rims and how awesome your Young Jeezy CD is. Let everyone know you’re a “baller.”
The best way to be manly is to show you’re insecure about your sexuality. If anyone even implies that you’re about as straight as a circle, become angry and defensive.
Act like Top Gun isn’t your favorite movie and lie about your desire to play volleyball with Tom Cruise.
Go shirtless everywhere: your house, the walk between class and the dining hall, even drive around shirtless. If girls don’t look at you, call their names and be loud, so that they have no choice but to notice your shaved chest. This will be great because you’ll be sweaty as we discussed. But don’t glisten. Never glisten.
Follow these tips and you’ll be the manliest guy on the planet since James Earl Jones.
Make sure you pick up the paper next week when I list the top five biggest robots ever and how they’ll get you laid.
Richard Solomon can be reached at richard.solomon@spartans.ut.edu.