Science Confirms: Pothead with a 4.0 Actually Exists

With potheads and alleged potheads gaining so much publicity in The Minaret these days, I thought I’d take the time to correct some misconceptions and false generalizations regarding the societal worth of the pothead.

To do so, I went on a brief hiatus where I conducted groundbreaking biological research that managed to uncover a fascinating breed of human being that is sure to put to rest some outdated stereotypes concerning the pothead.

Though it’s still pending taxonomic verification, my independent research has turned up a new and hitherto unimaginable species of primate: the pothead with a 4.0 GPA.

Believed to inhabit pockets of the Amazonian jungle, sub-Saharan Africa and the University of Tampa, the pothead with a 4.0 is sure to revolutionize our conception of Darwinian Theory. More to the point, our conceptions of potheads in general are certain to undergo similarly gargantuan modifications in light of this great discovery.

All mainstream stereotypes of the apathetic deadbeat will be shattered; what Jackie Robinson did for blacks in sports, the pothead with a 4.0 will accomplish for stoners in academia. The pothead with a 4.0 is the long-awaited vindication for every brain-dead loser who, when correctly identified as such, offered the riposte that “weed makes you, like, smart and creative, bro!” (Though the irony is probably lost on the stoners, it is nonetheless curious that this marijuana induced “creativity” invariably leads potheads of different backgrounds and regions to this uniform sentence in their defense, verbatim.)

Whether through natural selection, genetic drift or, most probably, intelligent design, the species has finally emerged that is capable of empirically demonstrating this intelligence and creativity, and thus gaining potheads their due respect at the summit of academic discourse.

In fact, a pothead with a 4.0 seems to be the perfect candidate for a Rhodes scholarship. We already know they have the academic requirement fulfilled, but additional criteria for the Rhodes scholarship include “devotion to duty” and “energy to use one’s talents to the full,” as stipulated in the will of the founder, Cecil Rhodes-yes, that Cecil Rhodes: the racist zealot, barbarous colonialist, conqueror of Africa and eponym of Rhodesia, who once said “If I could, I would annex other planets”; in other words, a typical 19th century Brit.

Anyone who has ever tried to come between a pothead and their cherished talisman knows that there exists no greater devotion to duty; and if getting straight A’s while getting high isn’t utilizing one’s talents to the full, then it’s only because social prejudices preclude us from recognizing it as so.

Let’s face it: if you’re a pothead with a 4.0, that should be the first bullet point on your r