Like many otherwise nice guys, I have often had trouble getting dates. Girls are intimidating, even if they do smell nice, and often seem to opt to go out with the guys that were jerks during gym class in high school.
But through perseverance and experience I have managed to deduce seven simple steps that should help any guy get a girl.
1. Take a shower. Seriously. Hygiene is at the top of the list. For every hundred pounds you weigh, you should probably take one shower a day.
If you need any proof, take Clifford the Big Red Dog as an example. He is a twenty-five-foot tall St. Bernard. If we extrapolate the average weight of an ordinary St. Bernard to that scale, we deduce that Clifford must weigh approximately five thousand pounds. He should be showering about fifty times a day.
He does not, and this is why there is no Mrs. Clifford the Big Red Dog.
2. Smile. Girls like a guy who smiles; it often means he’s friendly and amiable. It’s true that girls go for the laid-back, strong silent type. But if you are actually desperate enough to follow my advice, you probably can’t pull that off.
So don’t try.
Leave that to Slater. You want to be Zack: pleasant, nice, and occasionally slick.
3. Do not rise from your grave and feast on human flesh. Cannibalism is not the way to go, trust me. Zombies never get any tail. The only one who even came close was Michael Jackson in the Thriller video, and that’s just because he was Michael Jackson.
At that time, Michael Jackson could have smeared himself in cream cheese and masturbated on the Queen Mother, and girls still would have fallen over themselves to try to get into his pants.
Plus, zombie sex doesn’t seem very cool to me. If you disagree, rent “Porn of the Dead” from Loaded Digital Productions, and it will very swiftly change your mind.
4. Ask girls out on dates. If you don’t go the extra mile and actually ask for their phone number, and afterwards call them and ask them if they want to go to Panera Bread for some overpriced baguettes, then you will never know what could have been.
You can be as charming, handsome and wealthy as anyone on Earth, but unless you work up the courage and put yourself out there, you’ll never have the opportunity to be horribly rejected, run into the bathroom and break down weeping.
5. Give the girls lots of orgasms. I’m actually not sure about how to do this. Generally I just keep going until she tells me she’s done with the chapter in “The Da Vinci Code” and wants to go to sleep.
6. Don’t be her friend. Many times a guy will like a girl but will want to get to know her before he actually makes his move. Meanwhile, the girl assumes she has made a platonic friend.
By the time the guy gets off his duff and puts on his best moves, the girl is incapable of thinking of him as anything more than a friend; either that or it’s a convenient excuse since she hates the way he never washes the Cheetos dust off of his fingers.
The best way to avoid this is by never being friends with a girl. If one says something nice to you, just giggle and look away coyly. If they persist, step on their foot really hard and tell them they’re fat. That should take care of it.
7. Memorize a funny, non-topical joke. Your usual off-color jokes will not suffice. You want something tasteful, easy and funny.
BAD: A serial murderer and a girl are walking, hand in hand, into a dark forest. The girl says, “Gee, mister, these woods sure are dark. I’m scared.”
The mass murderer replies, “You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk back through here on my own!”
BAD: Werner Heisenberg is driving along a road, speeding twenty miles over the speed limit.
A police car sees him go by and turns on the siren, pulling him over to the side of the road.
The cop gets out of the car, walks up to Heisenberg’s vehicle and asks him curtly, “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
“No,” says Heisenberg. “But I know where I am!”
In only a short time, if you follow these seven simple steps, I guarantee that the attitudes of women you meet will dramatically shift, sometimes resulting in a need for medical attention or a call to the police.
These steps will allow you to be like me and have a marvelous girlfriend. If that happens, I strongly urge you not to buy her a copy of “The Da Vinci Code.”