The lyric to the Marina and the Diamonds song “Homewrecker” describes relationships best, simply stating that every relationship is great until it’s not. Getting together and breaking up is an inevitable part of dating, because almost no one gets love right on the first try. All too often relationships end in flames, turning former lovers into mortal enemies who scoff at the sound of each other’s names. However, as young adults, there comes a time when maturity (hopefully) settles into our bones and we find the ability to end a relationship on good terms.
So, what happens when a relationship doesn’t end in conflict? There is not always the emotional turmoil of cheating, lies, arguments or deceit. Rather, individuals simply grow apart. Much like an article of clothing, a relationship can become worn. Whether it be physical changes or changing trends, relationships are just like overalls–you can outgrow them. In those circumstances, it is important to call it quits without breaking each other’s hearts—or bones.
The easiest method for not wanting to kill your former relationship partner is to, as cliché as it may be, remember the good times the two of you shared. This doesn’t mean a montage of all the times you had romantic picnics, stayed up all night talking, your first kiss, or what have you. Instead, take the time to recognize the moments when that person was by your side and helped you through tasks, personal problems, or even formulating a passive aggressive text message to your best friend. When you take the time to recognize the benefits of sharing a stage of your life with that person, you will likely feel more satisfied with its existence than upset by its termination.
“I was in a serious relationship for almost a year and was devastated when it ended,” said Kyle Ewing, a junior finance major. “I later realized that the break up was for the best, though. I truly did love him, but we accepted that that phase of our lives had ended, and I grew so much as a result of it.”
In college, we are not who we are going to be for the rest of our lives. Luckily, we are constantly getting another step closer. The man or woman of your dreams during your freshman year of college may look (and act) much differently than your ideal partner by senior year. This growth will continue for years after graduation, and when you and your partner grow apart, you don’t have to split-up guns blazing. Embrace change—don’t fight it (or each other).
In addition, the most important aspect of surviving a breakup is mutual respect. The demise of a relationship is not the time to release each other’s deepest secrets or shine light on each other’s bad habits.
Instead, be an adult. Treat each other the way you would any other friend, and maintain your ability to part ways with a handshake. When someone has shared such a significant portion of your life experiences, it’s impossible to eliminate them altogether—so play nice.
Lastly, it is vital that one accepts that your previous partner is going to have other partners after you. While this may sting a nerve, one must understand that nobody is going to stop living their own lives just because they no longer fit in with yours.
One should never, ever, ever take immediate interest in who their former partner is coupling with, because it is both toxic and simply none of their business. There will always be a part of you that cringes at the idea of your partner being with another person—even when you don’t want to be with them, yourself.
Over time, friendship may develop and you may become comfortable with discussing relationships—but for a fresh break up, avoid that talk like the plague. Instead, use the time apart to strengthen your relationship with yourself and your personal growth. It can be nearly impossible to remove someone’s importance in your life if you keep looking for excuses to let them back in.
Breakups are inevitable, but they are a necessary and beneficial evil. They are how we learn what we are seeking in a romantic partner, and what we absolutely can’t stand. Despite the struggles they produce, breakups are a vital part of personal development (and a good story to tell to your friends over wine).
After all, the hardest part of calling it quits isn’t losing each other—it’s getting all your stuff back.
Terry Preston can be reached at terrence.preston@spartans.ut.edu