friends dropped what they were doing to fawn over him and greet him at the door. He was the only guy at the New Year’s party that followed the black and white, semiformal dress code. His gorgeous smile seamlessly complimented his skinny tie and fitted dress pants. I watched as my friends fought over him for a welcoming embrace. No, this wasn’t the guy that all the girls wished to kiss when the clock struck 12 and the ball dropped.
This desired relationship was a lot more permanent and committed than that. This sharply dressed, handsome young man served as the token gay best friend that many of my friends aspired to have. As my friends chattered with the host about how they wished they had a gay best friend like Tom, I found myself agreeing with them. I mean, how could you not?
A gay best friend can be the perfect guy friend because you never have to worry about what you say around them or if you’re leading them on. And for the most part, you don’t have to worry about them getting jealous of who you’re dating. But lately, this fetish has me thinking about how gay males actually feel about this role that straight girls often put them in.
Television shows like Sex And The City and Will and Grace glamorized the straight female and gay male relationship almost to a point that it seems some girls long for a gay best friend only to serve as a sparkly accessory to have when shopping.
Do girls seek out these males simply because they’re gay, or are they genuinely drawn to their personality despite their sexuality?
By choosing a friend because they are gay, you are placing them in a stereotype that Hollywood has created. But having a gay friend does not automatically mean you will constantly have a shopping buddy or someone to go to a Lady Gaga concert with.
Being gay doesn’t necessarily mean you have those qualities or interests. Any successful friendship comes down to how compatible your personalities are, not by a label given to you by your sexuality, race or gender.
Thomas Dearnley-Davison is a British freelance writer who specializes in blogs relating to television shows and movies. However, after British supermarket Tesco began selling inflatable “gay best friend” dolls packaged in a rainbow patterned box, Davison decided to compose an editorial for the online magazine, XoJane, about how women view gay men as accessories.
Dearnley-Davison, an openly gay 26-year-old, commented on how even his closest female friends place him in a certain gay stereotype in which he often cannot match up to.
“I’m not here exclusively to take you shopping and gab about the new Rihanna video, because friendships aren’t about ticking off lists or expectations and stereotypes,” Dearnley-Davison said. “Friendships are based on mutual love, respect and understanding.”
However, he did acknowledge all the good that has come out of straight female and gay male friendships, mainly because it provided the gay community with their first and probably strongest gay-straight alliance. He believes that as a LGBT presence continues to grow in the media, more diverse gay characters will be introduced, and perhaps this stereotypical fantasy that straight females have of gay men will start to change.
Stephanie Gilbert, a junior at UT majoring in government and world affairs, considers her gay friend, Harrison, from back home to be one of her closest friends. She described her relationship with Harrison like many of us would describe any of our best friends.
“We speak every day,” Gilbert said. “We’re always there for each other, and I would do anything for him.”
Gilbert went on to describe what they do together when she’s back at home.
“We’ll often get dinner, go out to drinks, go shopping and hang out with our other friends,” Gilbert said. “I would say the only difference between what I do with Harrison and my straight friends is go shopping. There isn’t really anything else that I would do with Harrison, that I can’t do with my straight friends.”
As she described her friend with such fondness, it was clear that their relationship was genuine and not built on the superficial aesthetics that may prompt some females to pursue a friendship with a gay guy. Gilbert did note that she often hears girls objectify gay guys as token friends.
“I hear comments like, ‘I wish I had a gay friend’ all the time,” Gilbert said. “I think it comes from girls thinking that all gay men are going to be extremely feminine, which most are not. Television and media have created an ideal image of the perfect gay best friend, and I think that that feeds into women and girls wanting this type of relationship.”
Dylan Cassidy, a senior marketing major at UT, had mixed emotions on the matter. Cassidy, who has been out as a gay male for almost 10 years, noted that most of his closest friends were, in fact, female. But this did not mean he wanted to fall into the stereotype the media has shaped for him.
“A lot of times when I meet girls, the second they find out I’m gay their face lights up and often times exclaim, ‘Oh my god, I’ve always wanted a gay BFF!’” Cassidy said. “I also hear, ‘Oh my god, can you be my shopping buddy?!’ I am automatically turned off if this is the first thing I hear from a girl.”
Cassidy continued to explain his frustration of being gay and getting thrown into the gay stereotype.
“I am Dylan, and I have my own individual characteristics, and I sometimes hesitate to identify myself in the gay community because a lot of assumptions come with it,” Cassidy said. “I refuse to be the ‘token gay best friend,’ although sometimes I am placed in this role, and it is beyond my control.”
Cassidy brings up a great point. All humans want to be viewed as individuals and not clumped into some predetermined category. Does a black person want to be known as your “token black friend?” Probably not.
When people introduce themselves, they first tell you their names. They don’t say, “Hi, I’m Black!” or “Hi, I’m a privileged white heterosexual male!” We don’t do this because we know that there is so much more to us than a stereotype.
Cassidy continued to point out a more valid reason as to why he believed gay guys made such good friends for girls.
“A lot of us have struggled before with identifying ourselves and finally making the decision to come out of the closet,” Cassidy said. “Because of this, we are naturally empathetic due to the pressure of figuring out our true selves.”
For this reason alone, I can understand why females may value a friendship with someone who is gay, but this is usually a quality a true friend will hone in on during the time of their friendship, not initially slapped along with the label of a shopping buddy. The quality of empathy is something any person could value in a friend, so it should not limit this friendship to be a strictly female/gay male relationship.
Showing support for the LGBT community and forming a gay/straight alliance can be extremely beneficial. This November, Illinois became the latest U.S. state to pass a gay marriage law. Many of the people sitting in the courtroom that day most likely had a gay friend or family member that prompted them to help vote on such an important bill.
However, when you stereotype a gay guy to meet the needs of your Sex And The City fantasy “bestie,” you are limiting the diversity among the LGBT community and actually strengthening the stereotypes many bigots have already placed on them. Any friendship should be genuine and not seen as the latest trend.