Those that have followed my articles know that I am an unorthodox thinker when it comes to job creation. I happen to think that there are many as yet unrealized public services that could be instituted for the common good. Some of my ideas, such as creating an infrastructure for a “pharmaceutically corrected” government, have fallen on deaf ears.
Well, my next proposal is even better. I’m borrowing a convention from America’s Game—football—for a program that a police state like ours should be totally into: Challenge Flags™ for all public disputes. You know, Challenge Flags™: those red wads that NFL coaches throw to overturn a controversial ruling on the field, like if a coach doesn’t believe that a receiver really kept both feet in bounds on that crucial touchdown grab. Imagine, a whole army of referees roaming the nation, ready to attend to your Challenge Flag™! Ka-ching! Instant jobs. With public disputes settled by instant replay, the possibilities are endless. For example:
“I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN, MS. LEWINSKY.”
Remember this national trauma? We could have saved the country a lot of anguish had my Challenge Flags™ been adopted. Let’s say that when the president made this claim, Challenge Flags™ flew. No longer would we have to worry about dress stains, nor what the definition of “is” is. Instead, a referee goes to the Public Replay Booth™ and consults the Oval Office tape. The referee’s eyes widen. Indisputable video evidence. “Mr. Clinton’s ruling is overturned,” the referee says.
Of course, these Challenge Flags™ need not be relegated to the annals of power in Washington. Now, petty domestic disputes can be solved conclusively:
“DUDE, YOU TOTALLY PEED ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT.”
Yes, couples know this scenario well: mysterious dribbles on the pot in the early morning hours. Did he or did he not use a lack of care with his aim? Was it really just the upwash from a leaky plumb job?
Ladies, throw a Challenge Flag™! A homing device activated by the force of the flag being tossed will send a transmission to the master-headquarters of Refs-for-Truth™, Inc.—located somewhere deep underneath the D.C Metro—which will alert a Public Referee™ in your home town. He or she will check your Public Replay Booth: Home Edition™—which by the way must be installed in every American home—and the truth will be found.
With instant video enhancement, your referee is able to check every last dribble against the infra-red scan of the toilet seat. He or she will examine the results. Yes, indisputable evidence—a micturated john.
Of course, a vast network of cameras will have to be installed nationwide (Can you say, jobs?) for our Public Referee™’s jurisdiction to be equal for everyone, and we all want that, don’t we? Some of you may be thinking, isn’t this all a bit Orwellian? Frankly, no. You can trust us.
Oh! Almost forgot to mention the Game-Changing Challenge Flag Program™, which will be reserved for extremely serious challenges under the law. Example:
“THE CURRENT AMERICAN TAX STRUCTURE BENEFITS THE WEALTHY FEW AT THE EXPENSE OF THE MANY.”
Perhaps the largest engine for job creation in my Challenge Flags™ proposal is the Corporation for Sportsmanlike Ideologies™, which will have a division of Red Shin-Guards™ who will throw a flag at the report of any Unsportsmanlike Statements™ like the one reproduced above (for educational purposes only).
If such a challenged statement is found to be an Unsportsmanlike Statement™, the offending Player™ will be tossed from The Game™. But, in a country like ours which is known for such Great Sportsmanship™, I know that Challenges™ of this sort will be few and far between.
Just remember that Great Sportsmanship™ in society requires Penalties™ and Challenge Flags™ so that the Rules of the Game™ will be followed. Again, trust me. Our Game™ is a great one.
Mikey Angelo Rumore can be reached at michealangelorumore@gmail.com