Everyone, consciously or not, has a “rite of passage” movie; that’s the one they force their friends to watch with them. In fact, it’s sort of a friendship prerequisite. And most of the time people aren’t conscious of what their rite of passage film says about them. I first noticed this phenomenon when Chris, the drummer of my teenage rock band, introduced me to The Big Lebowski. It was one of those “dude, you have to watch this” sort of deals. I realized that my friend is just like The Dude, Lebowski’s slacker protagonist.
In fact, sometimes I confuse memories of him with scenes from The Big Lebowski, particularly the opening scene in which The Dude, roaming a convenience store in his robe, buys a 69 cent carton of half-and-half using a check. Totally something Chris would do.
Thereafter, Chris was The Dude.
So, I’ve listed some common rite of passage films. If you find your film on this list, here’s what it says about you:
Fight Club
You are a nonconformist in an “I do all my shopping at Urban Outfitters” sort of way. You pass off your fashion sense as irony. You like to say you are well-versed in philosophy, particularly that of Friedrich Nietzche, but in reality you’ve only read about him on Wikipedia, once.
Dazed and Confused
You live with your parents. You smoke pot in your bedroom and tell your parents it’s just exotic incense. You like to tell your friends that your teenage years were just like Dazed and Confused, but you also first heard of Steven Tyler when he joined the cast of American Idol.
Blue Velvet
You make your friends watch this movie because you don’t like your friends much and you’re looking for an easy way to get rid of them. This is especially true if you watch Blue Velvet with a member of the opposite sex.
Nightmare Before Christmas
You wear all black in July and complain about the heat.
Spinal Tap
You once played guitar in a Frank Zappa cover band. On multiple occasions, your boss has sent you home for wearing spandex, leopard-print pants on the job. You talk about the time you’ve spent touring, but you neglect to say that you’ve only toured your town’s dive bars.
Shortbus
You only rent/buy movies that contain “Strong Sexual Content.” You fast forward through the boring parts — ie. dialogue, plot, character, etc. — to get to the “juicy bits.” You say “sexually honest” films like Shortbus are art, but you also use the term to describe hardcore pornography.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Okay, I’m kidding on this one. It’s a kiss of social death to admit having enjoyed any part of the Star Wars prequel trilogy.
Deliverance
You are a self-loathing redneck that thinks Deliverance makespopular southern stereotypes look ridiculous, which may be true generally, but fails in your case.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
You once took more than the recommended amount of Dramamine and had a “bad trip.” You constantly talk about going on your own “Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream,” but end up spending most of your time on StumbleUpon.
Rent
You dream of performing on Broadway, but your last callback came in middle school as a standby understudy. You are known to break into spontaneous song and dance in public places. Your friends know it’s a desperate cry for attention but they pretend it’s not obvious.
Super Troopers
You are average in every way, neither ugly nor beautiful, neither smart nor dumb, neither tall nor short. As a consequence, you are happier than most of your friends.
Clerks
You’ve been wearing the same sneakers since 1998 and you pride yourself on their stench. You play video games upwards of 14 hours a day and spend the remaining 10 sleeping. Somehow, you also work a full-time minimum wage job.
Donnie Darko
As a preteen, you wore enough rubber bracelets to cover your entire arms. You’ve dyed your hair green at least twice in your life, and you’ve seriously contemplated the merits of having a blood orgy.