Domestic violence takes a new height. A 29 year-old woman in Wichita sustained a near tragic head trauma when a man who was supposed to be her lover struck her several times in the head with the claw of a hammer.
As with all domestic violence stories, the beatings had been going on for some time.
September 2010, less than a year ago, the victim personally requested that this same man be released from a restraining order, after a domestic violence case was brought against him.
The woman now lies in a coma. The man has been charged with first-degree murder after an attempted suicide.
Thanks to the neighbors who rushed in after hearing disturbing noises, the ambulance was called just in time to get the woman to the hospital.
Domestic violence is nothing new. We have all heard about it and many people know someone who’s been a victim.
Why do some women and men stay in abusive relationships?
Why do people have to die or be damaged under the excuse of loving someone?
It may be true that love is a type of insanity, but in the case of domestic violence it all goes back to self worth and knowing your worth.
Abusers seem to be able to smell insecurity and low self esteem like a dog can smell fear.
They look for a partner that will rely on them to determine their self worth. It is true that domestic violence is about control, but there is also a very close link between domestic violence and self esteem.
In a study about perceptions of control, depressive symptomatology and self esteem of women in abusive relationships, conducted by behavioral scientists T.Orava, P. J McLeod and D.Sharpe, it was found that in a group of 21 abused women versus a control group of 18 women, the abused women did in fact have lower self esteem compared to the control group.
However, anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse. Having a high self esteem and knowing your self-worth will determine whether you will stay in such a relationship.
When you know yourself and value yourself highly, you will learn to demand respect firstly from respecting yourself and then by earning the respect of those around you; it will become less likely for you to allow someone to disrespect you by putting you down through various forms of abuse.
When you have a high self esteem, you know what you deserve and you will not settle for less.
It is true that victims of domestic abuse may not leave a relationship for reasons such as fear, love and reliance upon others; however, the ability to do so is usually a choice in many abusive relationships, since the signs of abusive relationships can be determined early on.
In the case where the main reason to stay is love, the victim should love their partner enough to let them go, so their partners can work on their own issues.
Love comes from within and you have to love yourself enough to leave someone who will not treat you right.
After all, doesn’t the whole concept of truly loving someone include the ability to do what’s best for them, even if it means letting them go?
Domestic abuse is real; having a self esteem can be the one thing that saves a victim from a fatal end to an abusive relationship.
Camilla Chebet can be reached cchebet@spartans.ut.edu.
I don’t completely agree with this statement:
“Having a high self esteem and knowing your self-worth will determine whether you will stay in such a relationship.”
In fact, it’s pretty evident that people with high self esteem don’t actually get into these types of relationships. There’s an unconscious attraction for abusers to people who have low self esteem. In a bizarre irony, the two people in this relationship completely support each other’s problems. The low self esteem person will tell themselves that it’s their fault and the abuser gets to take out their frustrations on someone else and never face up to the fact that it is they with the problem.
I completely agree that victims need to develop a healthy sense of self esteem but the first thing that must happen is that they let go of their need to be a victim. Understanding that your happiness depends on what’s inside you, not on the circumstances or people around you is the first step.
Good stuff and a really big issue to tackle. Thanks Camilla.