The past week, I had the opportunity to help photograph and design promotional material for this weekend’s production of Die! Mommie! Die!. During this time, it was my great pleasure to meet the self proclaimed “Queen of the Music Industry,” Ms. Angela Arden, embodied this weekend by senior, Zach Hines. After requesting an interview via her newly hired assistant, Pablo, having my background checked and being frisked by Ms. Arden herself upon my arrival, she invited me into her home in Hyde Park. Below is the transcription of the interview with the larger than life character.
The Minaret (M): What made you come to the Tampa area?
Angela Arden (AA): I’m asking myself the same question, but we — “we” referring to my entourage, the lesser classes might not understand — thought it prudent to break in the new act away from the scrutiny of the New York critics and I hear there are quite a few nudist colonies down here.
M: I recently read you are planning a comeback tour. Could you tell me a little about that?
AA: Well, first of all darling, please don’t call it a comeback; I’m merely getting my feet wet. One gin-soaked night, my agent convinced me to take a few gigs for large amounts of mon— um, for the fans and, well, here I am … in Tampa … performing with college students.
M: Would you describe your fans?
AA: Stalkers. All of them. The poor dears. They are so in love and who can blame them, really? Why just the other day a lovely woman stopped by my house to give me flowers. Very sweet, but the entire time I was trying to figure out how the hell she knew my d— address. It is terrifying. It gives me the willies.
M: What are some things you like to bring with you on tour? Is there anything specific in your rider contract?
AA: Martinis and Tennis Togs. My tennis instructor Tony Parker has been a really, um, big help. Right now he is teaching me the proper technique for serving balls. It is quite hard.
M: Do you feel any competition from performers like Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus?
AA: Who?
Die! Mommie! Die! runs October 14-17 in Falk Theatre. For more information call 813.257.3987.
Mike Trobiano can be reached at Mike.Trobiano@gmail.com.