Another Stiletto Bites the Dust

A UT junior broke her leg behind Plant Hall Friday evening after her stiletto became wedged between two brick pavers.

‘This is my fourth pair of black patent leather, peep-toe Christian Louboutin pumps ruined by these damn bricks,’ Ashley Stone said in a statement released by her lawyer.

The University of Tampa’s historic brick roads have acquired a plethora of designer stilettos, and campus is now littered with shoes surrounded by sobbing students and makeshift memorials.

Numerous well-dressed angry women have hobbled into Senior Project Manager, Design ‘amp; Construction Services Bill Neyland’s office clutching empty shoe boxes and receipts.

‘This is part of what happens when you go to a beautiful, historic campus,’ Neyland said.

‘Screw that,’ Alaya Seamans shot back. ‘The only thing that is history around here are my precious Manolos and somebody’s job! Daddy wants blood!’

Surrounded by her supportive parents, Seamans said, ‘When my parents said I was a ‘shoe-in’ at UT, I didn’t know they meant literally.’
She said the shoes were named Serena and Blair after characters on the hit TV show ‘Gossip Girls.’

‘Serena is left out . . . um, I mean, she’s the right shoe, but she’s left out there to fend for herself, and that’s not right. I mean, she is the right one, but it’s not fair. Now I only have one left.’

‘Honey, you mean one right,’ her mother corrected.

‘Shut up, mom. Whatever. No one cares what you think,’ Seamans shot back through tears. ‘What are Blair and I going to do?’

Another student, Charlene Teel, said the real crime occurred after she lost the shoes.

‘The worst part of it all,’ she said sobbing, ‘is that for six hours, I had to . . .’

Teel then collapsed. As friends gathered around her, one whispered the rest of her thought: ‘She had to wear shoes from J.C. Penney.’

In an effort to spin the massacre in a more positive light, a UT press release said the stilettos were an art piece, adding to the artistic flair of the university’s eclectic image.

The shoes, some of which are permanently stuck in the cracks, have caused flat tires and other accidents.

UT senior Jordan Frank dislodged one of the shoes with his blacked-out Range Rover, causing the pump to become lodged in one of his new rims.

A sympathetic but firm Neyland said UT will not replace the shoes or rims but is prepared to offer ten percent off coupons to Einstein’s.

Stone, who was released from Tampa General Hospital last night, will not be getting any Louboutins stuck for a while. She’s crutching around UT in a Louis Vuitton cast with encrusted Swarovski crystals for the next six to eight weeks.

She remains furious, lawyers said, and she and her parents are considering legal action against the university.

The bright spot in all of this is a new fashion trend: mismatched footwear. Victims have been seen limping with bizarre combinations on their feet, like a left Jimmy Choo with the designer’s rival, Mark Jacobs, on the right.

‘UT is bringing the fashion world together,’ UT’s spokesman said.
Several sororities are planning a ‘Souls of Soles’ Mojito Mixer Thursday night to help fund new footwear.

‘These were pieces of our hearts,’ the organizer said. ‘We can’t just replace them, but we also can’t have these girls strolling around Hyde Park in Payless Shoes.’

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