I don’t know why everyone thinks animals and children are happy. It seems entirely obvious to me that cannot possibly be happy. To the contrary, they must be miserable all the time, or rather they would be if they knew any better.
Watching the Discovery Channel’s new series Planet Earth, I noted that there is a species of furry, blue faced monkeys in China that subsist mostly on tree bark. One monkey was depicted holding onto a branch and biting off a chunk of bark, and consuming it. That cannot possibly be good. It’s tree bark! I’ve been nine years old, so I know what bark tastes like, and it is not pleasant and that dollar was not worth it.
‘He likes it, it’s what he was born to eat,’ pointed out one of the ladies with whom I was watching the show. ‘It’s delicious to him.’
Bullshit. It’s bark. No one likes eating bark. That monkey is thinking, ‘Goddamn I wish I was human, I could be eating the hell out of a big fat steak right now. This bark sucks. Screw this bark.’
He doesn’t like being a monkey, but there’s nothing he can do about it. He was not given an option. No one would choose to be a monkey. We might cavalierly say, ‘hey, he gets to have sex and lounge around all day,’ but in reality it’s a lousy life. No car, no steaks, no Me Luv U Long Time 12‘hellip; none of the finer things in life.
It must be even worse being a female of the species. I have seen animal mating rituals and the deed itself on Discovery, and they are pretty bad at it. Pump and thump for thirty seconds or so, and that’s it. That’s less than HALF of the length of time for which I can go, a length which I have been assured, by many giggling girls, is far above average. But an animal has no standard of comparison, and has never been exposed to my titanic two minutes of heaven.
This is the same reason, in fact, that it must be miserable being a child. We think we’re all happy when we are that age, but in reality it’s just that children don’t know any better. You haven’t had anything to compare it with, except for being a fetus. And anything is better than being a fetus, which is one of many reasons why abortion is a good thing. Can a fetus play kickball? No, it cannot, and we all know that you can’t trust someone that doesn’t play kickball. I rest my case.
If I want a cookie, I go get a damn cookie. I don’t have to ask about it. A little kid is supposed to ask. And they don’t know that it’s different for anyone else! That’s why whenever one of my nieces asks for a cookie and is told she may not have one, I make sure to get a nice big one from the jar, bring it to her with a kind smile, and eat it in front of her. I am trying to educate the children, and they don’t even have the sense to thank me. They just cry.
Another reason why children must be unhappy (or would be, if they had any sense) is that they’re small. I can beat the hell out of anyone in grade school when I stop by there on Wednesdays (except for Derrick’hellip;AND he took my Spiderman lunchbox). They can’t get in real fights; they just start crying and run away blindly into a wall when you kick them. They have no dignity. Do you think Hemingway would have written The Young Child and the Sea? No, because the child would have just tried to catch the fish, given up, and eaten his graham crackers instead. Bush league.