I am not saying that ‘300’ is the best movie ever made. But without a doubt ‘300’ is the best movie ever made. I am recently informed that it has surpassed several box office records, most notably that of ‘most explosive orgasms ever simultaneously achieved.’ On the first night I went to go see it, I had to fight with Jesus to get a seat. And let me tell you something: the Christ fights dirty. He turned his cola into acid and tried to sanctify me into submission. And you can’t go complain to His father because apparently folks in a Trinity hang together (although the last I heard, it was Jesus and two thieves, with no Yahweh in sight).

The acting was so good that not only did Gerard Butler portray Leonidas, Spartan king and hero, he also managed to convey every human emotion conceivable, all to a level which craves an Oscar. In fact, this is the only movie ever made in which we can see, ‘delight at purchasing a new brand of mustard’ actually effectively emoted. And while I am so vigorously heterosexual that my salad dressing won’t even stay mixed, I am told that Butler was also attractive enough that they have begun keeping snow shovels at every theatre to scrape women from the screens. Every Spartan in the movie has at least a six-pack, but some of them had so many abs they would be better described as a Heineken truck.

There were also particular moments of exquisite female beauty. Lena Headey, the actress who plays Spartan Queen Gorgo, is so hot that in order to light a cigarette she simply places the tip on her arm. ‘300 Clambakes’ are springing up all over America, where moviegoers wrap clams in wet seaweed and then put them under the screen so that her outrageously hot rack will roast them with sexual deliciousness. Twelve people have already been blinded by daring to look directly at her ass, and membership in the Sapphic League has doubled.

The action in the movie was also good.’ I mean ‘good’ in that sentiment the same way one would refer to the center of the sun as ‘warm.’ The city of Milwaukee pillaged and burned most of its surrounding suburbs, spurred on by the sheer immensity of the asskickitude in the movie. France not only surrendered to the movie, it also awarded ‘300’ the Legion of Honor and set up a provisional government in the town of Vichy. People who noted this and dared to attempt to make a direct comparison of the movie with Hitler were killed when their own bodily organs held a coup and garroted the brain, subsequently declaring their bodies a communist republic until they died of hypoxia.

There have been some negative aspects, however. The tourism to the traditional sites of veneration, such as Jerusalem and Mecca, has dropped to almost nothing, as instead people flock to the nearest IMAX theaters and pray that the awe doesn’t crush their eyes into an aqueous-humor-soaked pulp. Additionally, at last report several theater employees had been killed when they were foolhardy enough not to use the special awesomeness-shielding gloves when handling the film stock.

There was one note which sullied the reception of the movie, unfortunately. Several countries who shall go unnamed were so frustrated by the lack of worthy opponents in comparison to the movie, that they actually launched a manned space probe to the planet Saturn, kicked the hell out of it and then raped Titan. The planetary bodies could not be reached for comment, but investigators at the scene of the crime (several blood-rimmed holes in the icy surface of the moon) stated that it was a grisly and puzzling act. The perpetrators, last seen screaming in agony from the pain of their frostbitten members, are still at large.

Interestingly, when God was sought for comment, he would not allow reporters into his home. But it is worth noting that visible through the door was a poster of 300 and a small amount of burning incense. We can only surmise that God Himself has begun to worship the movie. Also, apparently God likes kettle corn. Who knew?