Mini-Commentaries: Some Jokes From Real News

  • Joe Redner, politician and owner of Mons Venus strip club, has recently offered voters free admission to Mons Venus if they display their ‘I voted’ sticker, saying that ‘even if it hurts my election, it’s worth it to get people out to vote.’ Redner then received hate mail from the owner of Seven Seas, who was furious when a mob of middle-aged men swarmed his establishment with ‘I got tested’ stickers.

  • Martha Stewart has agreed to take her magic touch to outer space, planning to prepare a six course meal for the International Space Station by April. The announcement was accompanied with a press release from Stewart, stating that ‘my chicken just wasn’t dry enough; it’s time to go to outer space!’ Tensions have risen, however, as the Chinese involved with the station have threatened to arm their nuclear arsenal if the ‘home-making devil’ Stewart was allowed within 100 miles of the launch pad.

  • Recent concern has been expressed over the increasingly common practice of companies Googling their prospective employees. Things aren’t all bad though – since the advent of Myspace and Facebook, new hires have skyrocketed in the professions of drug dealing, exotic dancing and the World Series of Beer Pong. Google isn’t complaining, though. ‘The more commonplace this becomes in the office, the higher our stocks have climbed!’ exclaimed one of the company’s founding pair. ‘Besides,’ he added. ‘who’s got anything to worry about besides former Enron employees, sexual predators and everyone involved with MTV since 1997?’

  • New trends in the slums of Africa and India have led tourists to sweep through the areas, taking pictures and bragging to their friends that they have survived the fetid urban wastelands.Some of the most popular tour routes are through areas which have only one toilet per 1,440 people. A UT Junior who took part in such a journey recently commented on the experience. ‘I always seek to understand the lives of the underprivileged. Seeing the living conditions of the people in Nairobi was truly awakening; last year I toured the University of Tampa’s McKay Hall. Next year I plan to visit NBC’s fall line-up.’ A group of organisms that has never had sex in over 40 million years of existence has nevertheless managed to evolve into distinct species, says new research published today. The study challenges the assumption that sex is necessary for organisms to diversify and provides scientists with new insight into why species evolve in the first place. ‘Whoa! No sex for, like, 40 million years?’ responded one UT student as she tanned by the Hillsborough River. ‘That’s ‘hellip; like, a super long time ‘hellip; isn’t it?’ ’40 million years, bro? That’s insane!’ said another student. ‘That must have really sucked ‘- or maybe it didn’t. WHOA!’ He exclaimed, crushing a beer can against his head before high fiving another student before jumping into the pool.

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