Editor’s Note:
Welcome to The Minaret’s new relationship column! For her’ protection, the identity of our advice columnist is kept a secret; however, if you have relationship questions, send them to minaret@ut.edu, and we’ll be sure to pass them along.
Dear Phoebe,
I just got out of a four year relationship; I found out that my boyfriend had been cheating on me. I’ve been in a relationship for so long that I can’t recall what being single is like. When I try to meet guys, I freeze up and become noticeably nervous. I really think I should get into another relationship ASAP to forget about my ex-boyfriend. But at the same time, I don’t want to get hurt again.
How can I loosen up for some fun without the serious commitment?
Sincerely,
-Heartbroken in Hyatt
Dear Heartbroken,
Break-ups are always hard. Oftentimes, you feel as though you are missing a piece that used to be part of you.’ I commend you for not staying in this relationship solely to be in a relationship; to become single again takes strength that you have displayed.’
There is an old saying that you have to learn to be single before you can be in a good relationship; i.e., that you must take time to get to know your own preferences and views when you’re by yourself before you can become half of a couple.’ And that is what I advise: start getting to know yourself!
Enjoy being single; it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.’ You’re free to go where you want, do whatever you want, without having to check with anyone first.’ You state that you want to ‘loosen up,’ which won’t be possible until you allow yourself time to heal from your past relationship.’
So go out, go dancing, go to a movie, go to the mall, hang out with your friends. Go on a few casual dates.’ They don’t have to lead to another long-term relationship. In time the scars from your old relationship will fade, and you will be able to enter into another relationship without the same worries.
Best of luck enjoying your newfound singleness,
-Phoebe
Dear Phoebe,
I’ve been with my girlfriend since our freshman year of high school, approximately seven years. Recently she’s been giving me increasingly explicit signals that she expects us to get married immediately upon graduating college. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy with our relationship, and I really love her. But everything has become so serious so fast. Sometimes I think that it would be good to take an experimental break, to see what else is out there before I make such a commitment. What should I do?
Thanks in Advance,
-Suffering in Straz
Dear Confused,
Seven years is quite the long time! Most relationships that start in high school, or even college, do not last that long.’ Given the length of your relationship, it’s not surprising that your girlfriend would assume marriage.
She believes that you are in a serious relationship, and thus, it will ultimately lead into another stage.
That said, we don’t have to discuss her motives further; she’s made her intentions clear. Like your girlfriend’s desire for marriage, it’s also very normal for someone in a relationship since high school to wonder if they’ve missed out on some necessary part of their life by not dating other people.’
What would you gain from a break, though? I must trot out my pop culture references with the show ‘Friends”mdash;two characters went ‘on a break,’ only to find out it led to the ultimate end of their relationship (until the series finale, because everyone wants a happy ending).’
You must remember that if you can start to date other people, so can your girlfriend.’ Are you really comfortable with that?’ If so, then go ahead, take a break.’ But know that it might not end in you and your girlfriend picking up right where you left off.
Is it the idea of marriage that scares you or the idea of marrying your girlfriend?’ That is also an important factor in your problem.’ If marriage in general scares you, perhaps it’s time to have an honest talk with her about your fears.’
You do have a right to not be ready for marriage, just as she has a right to want to get married.’ But if it’s the very idea of marrying this girl that’s sending you running for the hills at a breakneck pace, then much more than a break needs to be considered.’
But if you do love her and see a future with her, then perhaps marriage isn’t a crazy idea after all.
Please think through the decision,
-Phoebe