Paris Invaded Again!

It seems to me that it is an empirically demonstrable fact that the world might well be in danger of destruction by Paris Hilton. This is a bold claim, but it is one I think I can back up with ironclad reasoning and several hours of blurry sex tapes.

Virtually everyone knows how Paris truly entered the world social scene: she took video of herself having sex with then-boyfriend Rick Solomon. I am one of many men who were driven with enough curiosity and idle lust to hunt out a copy of the tape on the Web. It is exactly like the screenshots widely seen at the time: grainy, green-lit footage of Paris engaging in a variety of hardcore sex acts with Solomon, inexpertly and with little eye for cinematographic consistency. This tape was leaked a week before her premiere on “The Simple Life,” a television show that showcased Paris and her friend Nicole Richie as they demonstrated the many ways in which they were unfit to be human beings. Paris has denied that she leaked the tape and often has seemed incensed over its ubiquity, but it cannot be denied that it is extremely suspicious timing at the least.

Since that time, Paris has maneuvered her way through the world of pop culture with the aid of talented publicists and a blithe ignorance. Few other individuals could successfully play chicken with the grim fact that they are somewhat stupid without actually acknowledging this fact, especially after such gems of idiocy as being an outspoken advocate for the Vote or Die campaign, and then not only forgetting to vote but never even bothering to register in the first place!

No, that takes a special kind of stupid, a kind which is rapidly becoming a threat to the entire human race.

It wouldn’t be a problem if Paris was just a walking joke, although in many respects she is. No, the problem is that many people seem to take her seriously, and many young girls inexplicably think she is some kind of role model. The girl’s only assets are her wealth and her inability to understand how dumb she is, but marketing and skillful management have parlayed this into multiple nightclubs, clothing lines, perfumes and countless media appearances. It’s like watching a chicken not only run around after getting its head cut off, but also book an appearance on “Letterman” and film a blood-spattered sex tape.

Speaking of tapes, new developments cast Paris in a final damning light. Recently, she opted not to bother to pay the bill on a storage unit where she had been keeping some personal items, and they were auctioned off in a lot to a clever person named Bardia Persia for an amount which is allegedly close to $10 million. A new website has already begun to spew out these items for a fee. In addition to more sex tapes, there are apparently other interesting items, such as a medical bill for a miscarriage in the name of an Amber Taylor– who happens to have Paris’ birthdate and keeps her medical forms in Paris’ storage. These new tapes are nothing to sneeze at, though. In one of them she turns to the camera and declares happily, “I got f-ed in the butt for coke,” after putting her face into a huge mound of white powder on the chest of some anonymous man and snorting deeply.

Paris couldn’t have been ignorant of what could happen. In one of the videos, the cameraman, apparently a boyfriend of the time, “jokingly” asks her several times if she gives her consent to have these distributed in California in a commercial venue. She smirks and shakes her head, saying “no” repeatedly. Then she rolls her eyes, stands up in the bathtub and goes to dry off.

No, the intensely private nature suggests that either Paris is continuing to do these sorts of insanely stupid things on purpose to keep her name in the media, or else she is simply so dumb as to forget that she stored sex tapes a scant few years after the immense debacle that followed the “leak” of the last tape. I don’t know which is more threatening, but I know that if Paris is allowed to continue and our children continue to view her as a role model, it is a recipe for global annihilation.

It is worth noting that the worst thing in any of the videos, however, is not the sex or the drugs or the vapid discussions. No, the worse thing is when she turns on the camera, takes off her top and sits down with a sheaf of papers. She practices for an audition, and as I struggled to endure it, I could feel my soul wither and die. Eli, eli, lama sabachthani?

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