Editor’s Note: Welcome to The Minaret’s new relationship column! For her protection, the identity of our advice columnist is kept a secret; however, if you have relationship questions, send them to e_minaret@hotmail.com, and we’ll be sure to pass them along.
Dear Phoebe, I recently starting dating this girl that I have known since my freshman year of high school (I’m now a freshman in college). We really started to talk, though, when I was in eleventh grade. I’d like to do something nice for her-something romantic, but not boring. I’m not really entirely sure about her different likes and dislikes. This is my first girlfriend, and I don’t want her to think badly of me.
Sincerely,
Worried About Dullness
Dear Worried, First of all, let me congratulate you on your new relationship! Your anxiety over the ‘perfect idea’ is perfectly normal. You’ve entered a stage in dating that I like to call the ‘find out the little details’ (if you have a catchier name, please, do let me know). If you want to know what your girlfriend likes-or what she hates-why not just ask her? I know it sounds simple, but the truth is, not everything in relationships has to be complicated. Ask her what her favorite movie is, her favorite book, her favorite band. Most likely, she’ll take the attention as a compliment, a sign that you are truly interested in getting to know her.
As for something romantic, but not boring, perhaps a dinner for two? I have always found dinner to be a romantic activity. Depending on your age, you could also order a nice bottle of wine to go with the dinner (be sure to read the descriptions on the wine list, and ask your server what would go nicely with your dishes). Do you know if there’s a certain type of food she likes? Much about a romantic occasion is not only the good food, but the ambiance of the place. Candlelight is certainly nice, but a restaurant that is so dark you can’t read your menu isn’t suitable. Any occasion with a person you care about can be romantic.
And as for your worries about being boring, I must trot out the tried and true adage: ‘be yourself.’ There’s a reason why your mother always told you that: it is the best method to get to know someone and to let someone get to know you. Since she’s already agreed to become your girlfriend, my guess is she doesn’t find you boring. So that, I would think, is not something you have to worry about.
Best wishes for your relationship,
Phoebe
Dear Phoebe, My boyfriend went back to work at his summer job over break, and he’s fallen in with a bad crowd again. Ever since he’s been hanging around with his work friends, he doesn’t treat me as well and he gets involved in things that aren’t like him. My mom keeps telling me that I should move on, but I really think that I can be a positive influence in his life and rekindle our relationship. Am I wrong in thinking that he’ll change for me?
Hoping for the Best,
So-and-so from Brevard
Dear Hoping, It seems that throughout the ages, women have thought that we could force men into change. The results, to our dismay, have been largely in the negative. Men, much like leopards, stodgily refuse to change into what we want them to be, despite our best intentions.
Thus, there are several things to consider about your relationship. You state that your boyfriend’s begun treating you badly. Do you want to stay in a relationship where you’re not appreciated, just for the hope of being able to relive the past? You used the word ‘again’ in your letter to describe your boyfriend’s behavior. I’m inclined to think then that your boyfriend isn’t interested in changing, if he’s still repeating behavior from the summer before.
The second thing to consider is what value you, or your boyfriend, place on this relationship. You say that he’s fallen in with a bad crowd, and that that is the reason why he’s been treating you badly. Is the problem really this bad crowd or the fact that he is easily influenced? It doesn’t bode well that he’s putting more value on relations with his work friends-looking ‘cool’ by changing his behavior toward you-than treating you properly.
Perhaps your mother is right that you should move on. Ultimately, you must ask yourself ‘is it worth it?’ The answer to that question will determine whether you want to put the effort into waging a war with bad influences, or if you would prefer to date someone who doesn’t need so much work to make you happy.
Good luck on making that decision,
Phoebe