It’s early in the week. The onerous burden of your job is weighing you down and you desperately need a reprieve. What do you do? Well, if you’re a profligate bachelor, or simply a stealthy sleazebag, the answer is simple: you go to a bikini bar.
A gentleman’s club is the one haven of unmitigated excitement in a world of tedious tasks and banal conversations, especially if it’s one of those special clubs where “hands off” is read through the prism of a Bush cabinet member reading the Geneva Conventions.
Unfortunately, these clubs are all too stigmatized these days. If having some type of moral standards doesn’t preclude a visit, then it’s likely that the prospect of being labeled a ‘pervert’ will deter a man. Even a man with neither of the above hang-ups may still opt not to visit this celestial palace of merriment due to the exorbitant financial costs demanded.
For years men have hoped for a way to bring back the legitimacy and affordability of an honest trip to the bikini bar. Well, to the joy of philanderers everywhere, the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office has the answer! To those of you who’ve always balanced your animal instinct against your fear of becoming a social deviant: you can finally have it both ways; all you need to do is put down your adult videos, pick up that blue uniform, and join the police.
That’s right, in a two year period between February 2004 and May 2006, undercover vice unit detectives received 92 lap dances in the VIP room of Lil Tootsie’s nightclub on East Hillsborough Avenue. While enjoying erotic dancers exposing their breasts and genitals, the detectives spent $6,400 on drinks, tips, and entry fees. The club was under investigation for showcasing nudity while selling alcohol, and, thanks to the detectives’ hard work, is now under the process of losing its alcohol license.
The Hillsborough County police have truly made a groundbreaking contribution to the cause. They’ve found a way to avoid all the old hang-ups about bikini bars. Far from being called perverts, the officers are to be lauded for their selfless civic duty. It goes without saying that moral standards is a non-issue. And as for the exorbitant cost, not to worry, it’s free for all enforcers of the law thanks to that gigantic money tree that law-abiding citizens place at their disposal: taxpayers’ money.
Indeed, the crucial operation was one big tax write off, and the officers were sure to get their money’s worth. At one point $260 was spent in a single day which saw three trips to Lil Tootsie’s. Nude dances were often provided by unidentified dancers known only by their stage names. While writing Luscious, Asia, or Heaven on the expense report may have raised a few eyebrows at the precinct, few dared to question the extent of the undercover work when considering that it was all towards bringing down that principal threat to Tampa’s sense of community: Lil Tootsie’s nightclub.
So may the operation at Lil Tootsie’s serve as a call to all young altruists searching for a worthwhile cause. It is a near certainty that many other bikini bars exist that practice the deadly combination of serving alcohol and showcasing nudity. It is your task to find where they operate and put them away by means of a several year undercover operation with unlimited drinks and lap dances.
All the old reservations about visiting bikini bars must be swept aside at once. There is no room for frugality when the public good is at stake. Get as many lap dances as you need; it’s on the people. Likewise, there is no need to be ashamed when you’re undertaking this valiant effort. Go out there and find more Luscious, more Asias, and more Heavens. Remember that the taxpayers are behind you because you’re serving the public good!