It’s never been scarier to be in a relationship. Through recent media, it is clear that our world feels the need to spread this message across various platforms. With recent books/movies, such as “Gone Girl,” “The Husband’s Secret,” “Die for You,” “How to Get Away With Murder,” and even the HBO comedy “Girls,” everyone is asking the same question—do you ever really know who you’re with?
Essentially, the lesson I have learned from recent media is that if you get married, you are going to end up with a mystery of a human and probably die. This is inevitable, because everyone on Earth is a monster, and everyone also wants to kill you. However, how can this be if one takes the time to go on dates with their significant other, and have waited long enough to get a proper feel for who their partner is?
According to a recent study by Emory University, couples that date for at least three years before marriage report the highest levels of marital happiness and lowest divorce rates—but will that predict a killer? The answer is simple: Dinner and a movie won’t tell you anything about another person—so I’ve crafted a list of dates that provide a sure way to get to know the person you’re seeing (on a deep enough level to know whether or not they are going to kill you).
Kayaking: There is no better way to determine whether or not you and your partner belong together than to go kayaking with them—I’m almost sure that there is scientific evidence to back up this claim. (There isn’t, but there very well should be). My parents have come close to murdering each other (in public) one time in my life, and it was when I was twelve years old, on vacation in the Caribbean. The source of their near-incarcerating experience: a plastic vessel otherwise known as the kayak.
“A double kayak is the ultimate test of marriage,” my mother still says to this day. “I keep telling your father that if there’s a next time, there’s no way in hell him and I are sharing one again.”
The severity of the dangers of kayaking stretch far beyond the borders of my family. My best friend went on a kayaking trip with two of her siblings this summer, and the salesman directed them into two separate vessels—one in a single kayak, and her and her sister in what he called “the divorce kayak.”
The moral of the story is simple: When you’re stranded in the middle of a body of water with an oar and a partner with whom you cannot cooperate—it’s surprising that there are not more water sport related deaths.
The Queue: Waiting in line for anything is boring—and if you’re not with someone who can carry an interesting conversation for longer than four minutes, then it is a definite sign to discontinue a relationship with this person (unless you’ve got a thing for the quiet types). A popular technique used by many individuals in hiring positions at companies is to include a long pause between questions and answers. This is because it is human nature to fill the silence—and in times of desperation, few will take the time to plot their thoughts before they come hurtling out of their mouths. Use this to your advantage, because it is during this filter-less spree that the deep secrets and strange quirks about a person will surface. Get to know what your partner is really thinking, but let them panic about what you might be thinking in your moments of silence.
Laser Tag: Though this may appear to be a game marketed toward rowdy kids who like to play shooting video games, Laser Tag is an easy way to discover the depths of a person’s soul. Something about the darkness, code names and body count brings out the monster in everyone. By taking your potential spouse to a game of laser tag, one can easily discover whether or not their partner has a blood lust.
Warning signs include repeated deaths at the hands of your partner and inexplicable levels of joy from shooting the kids in the arena. In the event that your partner does not unleash a force of fury in the game, do not be so sure you are safe—After all, a laser gun just may not be their weapon of choice. As an alternative, try archery, kick boxing or knife throwing. It doesn’t hurt to cover all the bases.
Getting to know someone on a deeply intimate level is terrifying—almost as terrifying as the thought of them one day trying to kill you. Luckily, having your life become an episode of Law and Order: SVU can be easily avoided by making sure you test the waters with your partner and get to know them in the depths of their core.
I highly recommend trying one, if not all, of the previously listed activities. In addition, be sure to catch up on all of the latest movies, books and TV shows for tips and tricks to avoid marrying a psychopath of any form. Results may vary.
Terry Preston can be reached at terrence.preston@spartans.ut.edu