Last week Melissa Gorga, star of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, released her book Love Italian Style. The book is supposed to give insight on her marriage with husband Joe and advice to women on how to make their marriages as happy as hers. However, instead of giving positive, helpful advice, the book is riddled with sexist, misogynistic ideals and even implies that Melissa advocates marital rape. She basically preaches how to be the perfect, 1950s-esque submissive housewife, and this message is unacceptable. This article will focus on countering some harmful advice from Melissa and her husband.
1. Marital rape is unacceptable (and illegal)
At one point, Joe makes a statement about his sex life with Melissa that condones marital rape: “Men, I know you think your woman isn’t the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says ‘no,’ turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated… Women don’t realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.” This is completely unacceptable. It is this kind of commentary that fuels the misogynistic mentality in American culture. If a woman says “no,” even if she is your wife, it means no. It’s as simple as that. “No” does not mean, “yes,” “maybe” or “please do me.” Being married does not give husbands the right to their wives’ bodies whenever they want.
Marital rape can be broadly defined as “any unwanted intercourse or penetration (vaginal, anal, or oral) obtained by force, threat of force or when the wife is unable to consent,” according to Raquel Bergen in a 1999 study for VAWnet. When Melissa says “no,” the sex is clearly unwanted, and her husband ripping her clothes off and dominating her definitely sounds forceful. By definition, the situation Joe is describing is marital rape, which has been illegal in all 50 states since 1993.
2. Wives are human beings, not sex toys
Melissa says that as a wife, it is her duty to please her husband at all times. “In the beginning, Joe wanted to have sex every single day, at least once, if not twice or three times… If I didn’t give it to him once a day, he’d get upset,” Melissa wrote. Sex is not one-sided; when it happens, both people should want it without feeling any obligation to participate in order to please the other. Wives do not have to comply to all their husbands’ sex cravings. Women are not sex toys.
3. The severity of a couple’s arguments should not depend on sex
Melissa explains how having more sex can diminish tension and fights. “I can do something that pisses him off on a Monday,” she said, “but if we had sex on Sunday night, it blows over more easily. But if we haven’t done it for two days and I give him attitude? It could be a huge fight.” This is appalling. The severity of a couple’s arguments should not depend on their sex life. Sex, or lack-there-of, should not be used as an excuse to fight. Instead, talk it out, discuss the situation or problem and deal with it equally. If you need to have more sex to not fight with your spouse then you need to reevaluate your situation.
4. Women are not obligated to be sexy for men
Regarding appearance and sexual readiness, Melissa believes that “[a] woman needs to keep herself in shape. She has to be seductive… And, most important, she has to be available for sex.” A woman does not owe anything to a man even if he is her husband. If she wants to keep in shape for herself, that’s great. But in no way is she responsible to stay sexy in order to please her husband nor for seducing him. Furthermore, women have absolutely no obligation to be available for sex. She can have sex on her own time, thank you very much.
5. A woman’s lack of sexual initiative is no excuse for cheating
In another one of Joe’s inputs, he discusses cheating. According to Joe, if a woman does not initiate intimacy enough, it is her fault if her husband or boyfriend cheats on her. “Refusing to initiate is a Top Three reason men cheat,” he said. “The ugliest girl in the world could come on to a man in that state of mind, and he might have to go for it. He thinks, At least someone wants me.” This passage is extremely ridiculous, even disregarding his horrible grammar. If a man cheats on a woman because she wasn’t engaging in sex as often as he’d like, she should get the hell out of that relationship and never look back. Again, a woman has no obligation to have sex with her significant other. She shouldn’t have to worry about infidelity if she doesn’t oblige.
6. Couples should not adhere to gender roles
“When gender roles are confused, sexual roles are, too. If he’s at the sink and then changing diapers, then who throws down in the bed? In our marriage, Joe is always the man, doing masculine things. I’m the woman, and I do the female things, including housework.” This sexist way of thinking is completely out-dated––there are no tasks (besides obvious biological processes) that are inherently masculine or feminine. In the past, men were the breadwinners and women were housewives. Nowadays, it’s recognized that women are equally capable and important in the workforce, and there’s no reason that they should be the ones to stay home. Conversely, men are just as capable of staying at home “at the sink” and “changing diapers.”
7. Verbal abuse is never okay; wives are not their husbands’ punching bags
Melissa talks about how Joe sometimes gets aggressive and yells at her. “If he gets one ounce of flack from me, he flips a switch and goes off. I know it’s not really about me, so I don’t get riled up. I supposed (sic) I could get angry back him (sic) for getting the bulk end of his problems. But then again, that’s what a spouse is for. You get to release your stress on someone you trust, who you know won’t hold it against you. [He’d] like to yell at a colleague, client, or employee. But he yells at me and doesn’t screw up a business deal. I can take it.” At this point, Melissa (and her writing) is truly pitiable. She feels that her husband has the right to use her as a metaphorical punching bag and yell at her to release stress. She, nor any woman, does not have to just “take it.” Yes, being married means supporting each other, but that’s completely different from yelling at a spouse solely out of stress. No one should be subjected to verbal or emotional abuse in order to keep their partner happy.
8. Women should not feel ashamed for using their own bathroom
As the book goes on, it becomes more evident how much Melissa’s husband controls every aspect of her life. She even writes that she doesn’t use the bathroom when Joe is near. “Girls don’t poop… [at least] that’s what Joe thinks!… I don’t do it when he’s around or awake. In an emergency, I have my ways of pooping so he won’t hear, smell, or see. It’s a challenge.” Her life revolves so much around pleasing her husband to the extent that she can’t even perform natural bodily functions in her own house. Using one’s own bathroom should not be a challenge. If spouses have problems with their partners doing something that everyone on Earth does, there’s a serious issue.
9. Marriage does not mean you have to lose your independence
Finally, Melissa inadvertently reveals the dangerous extent to which she relies on her husband. “I used to want to hold onto my independence, even after we got married. I didn’t want to need anyone, not even Joe. Now, I know that it’s arrogant to think you don’t need anyone. Need is only a four-letter word if you don’t accept it as another one. F-A-C-T.” Wanting independence is not arrogant. Everyone needs some independence in a relationship; it’s healthy. Each partner in a relationship should have their own ambitions, hobbies and friends. Although marriage is meant to unite two people, it is important to remember that each spouse in an individual.
It’s disappointing that Melissa wrote a book belittling her own gender. She has submitted to misogynistic ideals; she even acknowledges that Joe might seem like a “chauvinistic pig,” but then excuses his behavior, saying that it is only his job as a husband. Being a spouse does not give anyone the right to belittle, bully or dominate their partner.
Love Italian Style shouldn’t even be called an advice book. It’s more of a guide on exactly what not to do in a marriage. Feminist blog Jezebel.com said, “The amount of sexism, gender essentialism, and caveman logic within its pages is so appalling that it’s difficult to believe that her book is anything but a cry for help.”
After the criticism and accusations received claiming Melissa and her husband advocate marital rape, Melissa said she finds it “disgusting” that people think her book would promote such things. According to the Daily Mail, she insisted her advice in the book is only “promoting ‘teasing’ and ‘playfulness’ and that the scathing headlines were unwarranted.” If Melissa doesn’t think being sexually dominated after she says “no” isn’t marital rape, someone needs to sit down and have a serious talk with her.
Even worse, Melissa wants to pass on this submissive mindset to her child. According to the Washington Times, “Melissa said she’s (sic) be happy to give the book to her daughter when she gets married someday.” It is sad to think that Melissa plans on teaching her child to act subordinate to a man. She should instead be teaching her daughter about self-worth and respect.
This book should not be used as a guideline for marriage as Melissa had intended. It only encourages the sexist and misogynistic ideals that women have spent years fighting against. We should not revert to the days where a woman’s place was stuck at home in the kitchen and subject to her husband’s will. Women are so much more than that; we are perfectly capable of being self-sufficient. Please do not take Melissa’s “advice” to heart. A woman’s feelings and needs are just as important as a man’s. We should be respected.
Annabella Palopoli can be reached at annabella.palopoli@theminaretonline.com
Paola Crespo can be reached at paola.crespo@theminaretonline.com
Women are just as abusive as men. Why not do an article on how selfish, vindictive, jealous, backstabbing, nagging ( a form of mental abuse ), gold digging, shallow, and immoral the American woman has become?
Did you know that the #1 child molester in America is now, get this… the female teacher. There are more rapes commited by female teachers in the United States, on their underage victims, in a week’s time than of all those commited by male teachers in the span of a year. FACT.
It seems that a day doesn’t go by without hearing of another female teacher having sex ( i.e., rape ) with an underage male student. And the craziest part is that most of them are married with chidren.
Excellent opinion piece and spot on.
I completely agree with what this article is saying, and advocate you girls fighting the rape culture in our country. However DO NOT combine the horrible thoughts of rape culture with just a wife’s enjoyment of pleasing her husband. Some women enjoy being the 1950’s esque housewife. Just because that might nor be your plan doesn’t mean it is a bad plan