As December draws nearer and the possible impending doom of the world as we know it looms over my head, I decided one day that I needed to prepare myself for the end of all ends: The Zombie Apocalypse. So many questions popped into my head. Could I even survive? How would I react? What would I have to live for if there aren’t any Twinkies? As I continued to plan, I realized that I could gather anything I would need just from the city around me. Let people panic and flee because when the undead come for me, I’ll be ready. After all, I’ve seen Zombieland.
Step One: Wait Out the Traffic
If the world starts to end, people are going to freak out. They are going to get in their cars and drive to Grandma’s to escape their certain death because for some reason they won’t realize that it’s the end of the world, not the end of the Floridian west coast. My first step is to wait for everyone to clear the streets. I have enough supplies around the house for my family and I to get through the day. Board the windows, shut off the lights and just be patient.
Step Two: Relocate to a Grocery Store
You may not realize it, but there are generators everywhere like in grocery stores, shopping malls and mansions on Bayshore. After the crowds clear out and everyone has either been eaten or driven off to be eaten somewhere else, I would take the trailer I have and attach it to my dad’s pickup truck. I would then head to the nearest Publix and steal the generators they have. Bolt cutters, chains and a shotgun may also be needed. Remember: Double tap.
Step Three: Gather All the Troops
If anyone is going to survive with me, it would be my family. Close friends are also welcome. Everyone needs to be prepared. Pack lightly but pack smart. Wear comfortable yet durable clothing. Ugg boots and jeggings are not on this list. Everyone should have their own bag with varying supplies. The more hands the better.
Step Four: Pack Lightly
Gather every sharp or heavy, blunt object that can be used as a weapon. Even that weird bread knife you never use. Bring it. Find all the screwdrivers, PVC pipes and baseball bats, and, of course, any guns and knives. I’d rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Reusable water bottles are a much better option than a plastic water bottle. I would also pack a small amount of hygiene items like towels, soap and medical supplies. You’re going to want to pack food, but be smart about it. Lots of foods like vegetables and fruit will spoil so pack packaged foods that will keep you energized as you outrun the zombie that’s about to eat your face off. Plus, food is something you can gather as you go. We’ll get to that step later.
Step Five: Find a New Home
Your house in your cookie cutter neighborhood is not going to last long. Your supplies will wear out, and you’ll get cabin fever. Before you know it you’ll be Carl from the Walking Dead (Why can’t he just stay in the house?). In Tampa, there are many homes that have two key factors: a gate that surrounds property and access to water. Find somewhere that has both. I have a location in mind, but due to my father’s certainty of the apocalypse, he has asked me to refrain from disclosing such information. This “compound” is a location that can provide food, water and security. Set up a 24-hour guard schedule. Get the generators secured and running. Unpack your supplies, and begin gathering food and water. A body of water almost always guarantees fish. Also, since you’re in Florida, you are guaranteed some oranges. Gather enough to last as long as possible. It is best not to spend too much time outside where you will be vulnerable.
Step Six: Train the Troops
Think The Hunger Games meets the “I’ll Make A Man Out of You” song from Mulan. Unless everyone you’re with has already battled the undead, you might need to run through a few scenario drills. Teach Mom how to use the 12-gauge. Learn how to attach a knife to a stick and use it as a spear. The occasional invasion drill might help too.
Step Seven: Wait It Out
You’ve established a way of life. You’ve fought off zombies and managed to keep everyone alive. By this time, you’ve already made contact with the random person that knows about the helicopter leaving the top of a building and is heading toward the commune that has been created upstate. Make it there alive and prepare to help put the world back in order. Congratulations, you just survived a zombie apocalypse.