A satire by Miles Parks
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Dear Brandon Weeden,
You have to understand my skepticism! Long before Lebron left, I was putting my faith in the Tim Couchs and the Brady Quinns of the world. You’re just a tough sell. At 29, you might be seasoned, you might be untapped, but you also might be close to my age. I can’t help thinking you’re the next Couch. I hate that I keep going back to Couch, but we’re talking first pick kind of stuff.
And, not to scare you or anything, but my therapist recently diagnosed me with Couchophobia. It’s nothing life-threatening, I just am unbelievably sure that every player this franchise drafts will turn out like Couch. You should’ve seen my letter to Joe Haden. The dude is a cornerback and I warned him not to switch positions, since guys with three letter names often have rough careers with the Browns.
Anyway, let’s talk about football and not Couch. See how I changed the subject? I’m not even thinking about Couch, like at all. I’m not thinking about his 67 career picks or his broken thumb. It’s not even on my mind; but just so you know, he finished a season 9-7. That’s a winning record if you didn’t know! A lot of people don’t know that about Couch. He was secretly a winner but things were just unlucky. The Browns are a winning franchise, Brandon. And I’m not sure if you realize that. We won 10 games back in 2007. We beat the Patriots in the Playoffs back in ’94… Boy, what a good year…
Anyway, I guess I haven’t really gotten to my point. My point is this: that I don’t care what you do in your career (unless it involves becoming Couch) but you’re going to stay a Brown forever. You’re not going to play in Baltimore.
And if you ever even think about putting on a Miami uniform, even just to try it on, even if you’re just kidding around with Ryan Tannehill and being funny, I will find you. You’re from Cleveland, and just like the rest of us, you’re stuck here.
Sincerely,
John Sofa
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Dear Steve Bartman,
I ain’t even mad bro. Let’s just meet up and talk about it you know? I was thinking I come over to where you stayin’ at and we just talk for a while. Maybe at like 3 a.m. Maybe with your phone lines cut. But I ain’t even mad. I just wanna talk. About the Cubbies. About our Cubbies.
Let’s be real real ya know? Wrigley Field smells like piss. I mean I love history as much as the next Northside rapper (Northside FOREVER), I really do. But I turn on the television, and they’re showing the Cards playin’ the Dodgies in this beautiful facility and I’m just wondering how these people don’t know why we suck. I mean we play in a dump. It’s no Tropicana Field but it’s just not good for the players’ health ya know? I’m not talking about the workout places or nothing either. I’m talking about the ghosts.
You believe in ghosts don’t ya Stevie boy? Why else would you reach out over that railing right Stevie boy? It was the ghosts wasn’t it? The ghosts of Wrigley, whispering to you, telling you to nab it, right? It wasn’t just cause you were at a baseball game and wanted a souvenir. No one in their right mind would enrage Moises Alou for a souvenir. Right? Right Stevie Boy? I just think they gotta move out, gotta get rid of all those demons if they want to win. Except for Mark Prior. If they can sign the ghost of Prior to a minor league deal or something, that might be all right.
What do you say Stevie Boy? Wanna have me and a couple of my boys over for tea some time? We’re real nice and we love baseball. We’ll even bring bats.
Sincerely,
Notorious C.U.B.
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Dear Michael Jordan,
You are the man and the Washington Wizards want you back. Well, they need you back. I’m not writing this as a fan of any National Basketball Association squad, but as a U.S. Senator who works for many weeks at a time in Washington D.C. The team Washington is throwing out there right now isn’t cutting it. As of November 27, the team has yet to win a game. I’ve done extensive research on the subject of basketball in recent months, and you seem to be the sport’s best player by many statistical measurements.
I understand your hesitance. You are currently entrenched with another team, the Charlotte Bobcats. They hold a winning record right now, and they’ve already matched last season’s total for wins. You have to understand though, we don’t want you back in the front office, we want to start you for the remainder of the season. All 48 minutes every game if you’re up to it. Come help a team that’s scored over 100 points just three times this season, and lost all three of those times.
I know, I know. You’re mulling it over. But you feel more loyalty toward the Bulls. But think about it. Do you really want to be reunited with Scottie Pippen? The guy who tried to sue a college newspaper? Washington was your second destination as a player, and we need desperately to be your third. I know you’re 49, and I know you have eccentric taste in sweater vests. We’re willing to take all that baggage if you just help us win. Just a couple stinking games.
Sincerely,
Sen. Abe Washington, Ark.
P.S. You can wear the earring on the court. I’ve already OK’d it with the league.