Firelight by Sophie Jordan
The girl on the cover sports bright red hair, cat-like eyes and scaly skin. Checking out the back of Firelight by Sophie Jordan, we see in bold, caps lock letters, the trademark three sentence teaser: A Hidden Truth. Mortal Enemies. Doomed Love. It’s always about secrets and love…and this time, a dragon. It turns out the girl on the cover’s name is Jacinda, who can breathe fire and shift between human and dragon. She belongs to the elusive draki, an ancient civilization descended from dragons. Then, it gets juicier. She meets “gorgeous” and “elusive” Will, whose family, wait for it, hunts dragons. It’s the classic Romeo and Juliet love story yet again. Will Will end up with Jacinda? Can they put their scaly differences aside? Judging from the random page we flipped to, we’ll leave that up to you to decide:
“Hi,” he greets me.
“Hi.”
Catherine looks back and forth between us. “Hey,” she volunteers dryly.
Will and I both look at her.
“Yeah,” she says slowly…
… “So,” Will begins.
An exquisite example of monosyllabic conversation that leaves little to be desired in terms of intriguing dialogue, but makes for great teen romance.
Juliet Immortal by Stacey Jay
Apparently, “The greatest love story ever told is a lie,” according to the cover of Juliet Immortal by Stacey Jay. Romeo and Juliet didn’t commit a tragic double suicide. Romeo murdered Juliet so that he could gain immortal status. What he didn’t know was that Juliet, too, would become immortal and fight for the Ambassadors of Light and her one true love. Meanwhile, Romeo fought for the dark side, stopping at no costs to ruin Juliet’s happiness. On the cover, Juliet solemnly perches on a rock jutting out into the middle of the ocean. Her emo hair swoops over her face, and her red dress will surely be ruined by all that sea salt. Based on the quote on the back of the novel cover, the plot seems very convoluted and confusing with the souls of Romeo and Juliet jumping in and out of other people’s bodies in order to fight for an ongoing, 700 year battle. Juliet should just fall off the cliff as her red dress flaps in the wind to save us all from having to read Juliet Immortal.
Cryer’s Cross by Lisa McMann
In small town Cryer’s Cross, Montana (aka. small town Forks, Washington), Kendall longs for something more. She dreams of New York and college, but her sweet boyfriend Nico (read: Edward) keeps her in town. Then, her friends go missing, and Nico starts acting weird, but not in an alarming enough way to deter Kendall from leaving him. Don’t even get us started on the cover, which is a total rip-off from the epic Twilight meadow scene. It shows Kendall lying in a field, blank stare, while Nico lies provocatively on top of her, obscured by shadows. Kendall resembles more of a mannequin or blow up doll than an actual teenage girl, while Nico dominates over her body. It’s the classic girl-submitting-to-boy and having no thoughts or opinions of her own. If you’re going to read a trashy gothic teen novel, you might as well stick with the originals instead of this cheap knockoff.
Immortal by Gillian Shields
Next on the chopping block is Immortal by Gillian Shields, showing only a mysterious Titanic-esque necklace on the cover. “First love never dies…” is our teaser, and Melissa Marr, who is given no attribution but is good enough to have her quote featured on the cover, calls Immortal an “Enticing gothic romance.” Oh goody. Evie Johnson gets a scholarship to Abbey School for Young Ladies where she feels out of place, and apparently is “drowning in loneliness.” Enter her solution, Sebastian, a mysterious and, don’t forget appearance, attractive young man who seems to be keeping ghostly secrets from her. Fatalistically, Evie can’t stop seeing Sebastian because she’s just too intrigued by the ghost of a girl who follows her around when she’s with him. There’s nothing worse than another book about girl meets hot and clandestine boy. Except, that there’s a sequel making this a series of very unfortunate reading.
Coffeehouse Angel by Suzanne Selfors
The cover is fairly blah and cutesy with a coffee cup sporting wings on the sides and a heart in the center. The graphic seems somewhat harmless, until you read the back. Get this. The main character, Katrina, falls in love with a guy named Malcolm who is passed out behind her grandmother’s coffee house…and he’s wearing a kilt. Although, he’s “pretty adorable,” he claims he’s an angel, and after she feeds him coffee and pastries, he needs to repay her by fulfilling her deepest desire. Then we’re left with a cliffhanger. Katrina lies about her deepest desire to Malcolm. The problem is, no one knows what happens when you lie to an angel. We assume that there is no chance of you retrieving any of your pride after finishing Coffeehouse Angel.
Forgive My Fins by Tera Lynn Childs
A swirl of greens, blues and sparkles vomit all over the cover. Forgive My Fins follows Lily Sanderson, who is just your “normal teenage girl” who has a crush on, here’s that word again, “gorgeous” swimmer Brody Bennett who “makes her heart beat flipper-fast.” Lily has a secret though…she’s half-mermaid. She’s not just any half-mergirl however. She’s a mermaid princess from an undersea world called Thalassinia, an annoying tongue-twister of a name that echoes the hilarity of Bella Swan’s daughter, Renesme. The back of the book is jam-packed with all kinds of punny references to Lily’s mermaid origins. Her love for Brody leads to “tsunami-sized” mistaken identity, and “quick as a tailfin flick” her happiness and longing for her one true love could be taken away. All Princess Lilypad’s plans for her and Brody’s future may not “sail quite as smoothly” as she once hoped. This book is a shipwreck you just can’t stop looking at.