If you reside in a U.S. state, then you’ve heard about Texas pushing to allow firearms on college campuses. I never bother being fully informed on anything, so I still don’t know where the line would be drawn on which teachers would be allowed to have guns and which wouldn’t.
Can only Ph.D.s carry a firearm? Will we say anyone with tenure can hold a handgun but no one with less than five semesters under his or her belt can carry a 9 m.m.?
I’ve heard some good arguments for firearms on campus and some equally intelligent arguments against them. We’ve even discussed it in The Minaret already.
But being the kind of person who works diligently to stay unaware of what those arguments actually are, I’d had to come up with my own. Never one to miss an opportunity to instigate an argument, I decided to take some of the more eccentric professors around our campus and imagine them packing some heat. The results are one part amazing and one part “in bad taste,” whatever that means.
The Adjunct
Still a student themselves, they probably go to USF and you’re aware that they spend more time working on their own classes than they do on yours. This person may only be a few years older than you, but, by the virtue of reading off of a PowerPoint, they’re also qualified to shoot a gun. Every time they walk in with a handgun sticking out of their waistband, you contemplate becoming a teacher, just so you can do the same.
The Oldest Professor
You swear that this is the oldest teacher on any campus, ever. She may be adorable in her old age, the kind of person who has actually devoted her life to teaching. Her hands shake from old age when she hands back papers, and yet she’s totally fine dealing with the recoil on a Glock.
I bet she’s totally great at aiming, too. Somehow you can’t imagine her handling the kickback of a firearm, but if it means protecting you from a student shooter, then you’re okay with it.
The Scatter-Brain
He’s all over the place.
He’s been promising to hand back your first test since week two but you don’t think he knows where the assignments are. More often than not he forgets his lesson plan and shows up to class late, always seeming a little bewildered. But even though he can’t remember where he put your papers, he should totally have a handgun.
If he loses it somewhere during the day, running from class to class, well, it’s unlikely he even remembered to load the gun, so it’s not like it would do much damage. If a situation arises where he needs to shoot at something, you’re not sure he would even remember to turn the safety off. Actually, why is this guy even teaching? Forget about firing a gun, he can barely remember what class he’s in. He has no business being on a campus to begin with.
The Jerk
Think of that one sarcastic, smug professor. He’s probably good at teaching and uses mocking humor to keep his students interested in an otherwise unexciting lecture.
He’s joked before about a campus shooting and, though he originally opposed the bill to allow guns, too many people agreed with him, so he opposed the opponents just to be a jerk.
He’s either been to the gun range a lot or he’s never even touched a gun, but either way he’d rather pass judgment than fire. Most would describe him as obnoxious, and he’ll be the first to admit that he’s the last person on earth who should get to hold a gun.
Conclusion
I absolutely support professors being allowed to have guns on campuses. I mean, they could be bringing firearms to class anyway, so we may as well just say they can and be done with it. With a group of teachers like those
I’ve already listed, how can we not want them to have the ability to shoot someone?
I, for one, am excited at the idea. I will feel infinitely safer in class knowing that my math instructor, who spends more time on 4chan than any teen, has a gun on him.
Plus, won’t faculty meetings be so much more exciting for our professors? Just think, every single person there has a gun! Imagine denying someone tenure. This can only be a winning situation.
Richard Solomon can be reached at solomon1414@gmail.com.
I’m a Tampa alum who happens to be a Texas native and I have plenty of family/friends who carry. Just about anyone can purchase a handgun (assuming you’re of age and have no felonies on your record) but you have to have a licence to carry the gun with you. It’s called a Concealed Handgun Licence (CHL) and it takes a fairly extensive amount of background checks, paperwork, and some gun safety training to get one. Just because a law is passed doesn’t mean everyone can carry, there are still some rules. Even in Texas..