We live in a time of great change. The entire world strives toward a more progressive society. Equality is key to this progress, especially between the sexes.
However, we have an inherent problem with this situation of equality between sexes. By our very nature, the sexes are genuinely different from each other. Each is biologically and psychologically more capable at certain things than the other. This is simply Nature expressing Her individuality through us. So, there will naturally be an inequality between men and women. It is our job as progressive members of this new era to correct this imbalance by a means of give and take.
Allow me to illustrate just one point. Women. The fairer sex. You delicate flowers have an amazing ability that all men envy. If we were women, we would unashamedly abuse this power.
Most of you know full well what this godly gift is. Women, you have the ability to get free drinks at bars by just being women.
Ladies, when you go out, you don’t necessarily need a wallet full of cash. Leave the credit card at home, too. You’ve got all you need attached to your chest. Those bad boys, those sweater puppies, are worth far more than their weight in gold, plutonium or rum with Coke.
Most every lady has done it, and like I said earlier, we men would absolutely abuse this power, too. It’s okay, girls, you’re just doing what you have to do to get by. You sit by the bartender, give him a little wink or a smile and BOOM, you’re hooked up for the rest of the night. And if not the bartender, some poor sap will be seduced by your siren song and bring you offerings of MGD or Jaeger bombs.
But, remember, ladies, we’re striving toward an equal society. Just as I said this power you all possess is not an evil thing, but one cannot overlook the tipping of the gender scale it causes.
So allow me to make a proposal. Let’s tip the scales back to an equal setting. Now, to do this we either must give men something or take something away from women. And giving is always harder than taking, my friends. It’s a complicated process figuring out what exactly one should give because, essentially, the possibilities are endless. But with taking, there are a finite number of choices. Far simpler, yes? So for the sake of this argument, let’s assume we must take something from women to balance our gender scale.
Might I propose women’s right to vote? Who really needs that anyway? Voting is essentially a fruitless process; one vote doesn’t change anything. Besides, with all these drinks you ladies are getting for free, do we really want to risk serious decision making to a bunch of drunkards?
Yes, I believe women’s suffrage is the perfect choice. Here’s another way to look at it. Getting free drinks and voting are very similar in what they accomplish. Voting is a way to change how society runs. You voice your opinion to alter laws. The public’s majority opinion wins out.
Ladies, you already do this when you get free drinks. You change how society runs. You enter a place of trade where money is exchanged for food, drink and services. However, you change this system by voicing your opinion— not literally voicing it but presenting your case (with your boobies)—and the majority opinion (i.e. that of the bartender/dude at the bar and you) wins out (if you both agree, you get a drink. If he does not share your opinion, it’s a tie and you pay up. However, this rarely happens).
See? You ladies already change society in your own way. You bypass the fundamental laws of trade. Do you really think you should be able to voice your opinions in other public matters, too? Let’s not get selfish here.
Removing women’s right to vote is just society stepping in to balance out what Mother Nature skewed through biology. I hope you all will consider my proposition. If we, the United States, lead in this new society, the rest of the world may well follow. Let’s hope for a more equal tomorrow.
Oh, and ladies, you can’t drive worth crap.
Shannon Grippando can be reached at sgrippando@ut.edu.
Just a disclaimer to readers: This article was written as satire.
Sam, you may be right. I tried my best to make a good attempt at satire, but perhaps I failed. I was hoping that among other things, the style and (if all else failed) the last line would give the reader no choice but to believe this absurd and disgusting opinion must be satire. After realizing this truly is satire, I’d hoped the reader might chew on the idea that someone could twist an argument with a line of logic that might sound feasible but is certainly flawed. The situation I wrote about seemed the most obvious to me because who would ever seriously want to take away a woman’s right to vote? Your reaction is absolutely what should be taken from this article’s message.
But this certainly is satire and nothing more. As a writing major I felt it best to expand my horizons and try out new and risky things. I tried and perhaps I failed. But at least I tried. I can’t please everyone, but I certainly don’t enjoy making others upset or hurting others’ feelings. Truly, I’m not cut out for satire as you pointed out. So you may be happy to know my career as a satirist was short lived.
But reading your comment shocked me. Not because of the things you wrote about my writing style or perhaps my unpalatable humor. There’s nothing I can do about that and it doesn’t matter. To actually see someone truly take offense to this means, to me at least, that someone could actually believe someone would propose this sort of action against women and, therefore, they’ve encountered things in their life that would lead them to believe these sorts of things could actually take place. And if that’s the case, I’m truly sorry. It’s a horrible thing, I think, when men or women use gender as an excuse to discriminate or belittle. If there’s anything in my article that was literally true, it’s that I really do think we should be equal. There’s things that can still be done to make women and men more equal and that’s one reason I wrote this article: to draw attention to struggle of equality between men and women. But I never believed for a minute someone could think this was serious. It was just too farfetched in my mind.
This piece was meant to be thought provoking, anger inducing, and a little funny but not meant to be taken literally. I thought I did my best to make it extreme enough to showcase its satirical nature. Perhaps subtly is lost in this digital age. Perhaps I’m a bad writer. If there’s a next time, I’ll make sure to make the content far more extreme to make sure there’s no doubt as to what my message is.
But, Sam, I hope you’ll accept an apology if you were personally offended, and furthermore I hope you’ll use whatever feelings this stirred in you for the betterment of the world around us. And, heck, you kinda did already. You called for action against this type of thinking in your comment. That’s great and good for you. So I guess my article kinda did it’s job since it got you to speak out against a horrible thing. I can live with that.
Can I buy you a drink, Sam? 😉
Shannon is right. She speaks for all of us women who can use our boobs to catalyze our way to a binge-filled night of inebriation.
No. It isn’t that I don’t understand satire. I think this could have been written smartly- but it wasn’t. It was half a page- and didn’t say really, anything at all. I’m just saying its unacceptable to write in a style that you can’t write in.
Sam must have small boobies.
So, when do I claim my prize for not only predicting the outrage from someone who doesn’t understand satire, but that person acknowledging that they did not understand satire, yet posting it anyway?
The third sentence in your article, “A Modest Proposition…” says that equality is key, especially between the sexes. Then you go on to mention how men and women are different. That’s fine, because they are. Men and women have different things to bring to the same table. It’s working together that makes us a success. Though throughout the entire article all that is mentioned is that women receive free drinks from “poor saps” because they have power. This power you speak of comes from what women have on their chests. First of all, you say that women use their bodies to get what they want, with what they want being free drinks. Of course, on a grander scale, since people don’t spend all of their time in bars and clubs, you insinuate that in life, women are always getting something for free just “for being women”. These “poor saps bringing offerings” of Jaeger bombs don’t have a nice conversation about movies and ideals planned, I’m sorry. They have something else in mind; and the women that show off their chests and accept these “free” liquid black-outs probably have the same thing in mind- and that isn’t any long term engagement. It’s completely out of the question to place all women under that category of stereotypical-female-in-little to no clothing-at a bar. Even women that do go to bars for a night out, there is no reason to strip them or anyone else of respect. What’s even more offensive, is that you ask women in a general way, “Might I propose women’s right to vote? Who really needs that anyway?” By saying “who really needs it”, you’re saying women don’t really need it. If you can say that voting is feckless, then it is feckless for everyone, not just for females. There are just as many jerk men out there that either don’t contribute anything to society and/or willingly take advantage of women as often as they can. It’s unfair to pick at women for accepting these said free drinks since the men that pay for these drinks are not being questioned at all. In the Bible, God gave Adam and Eve the ability to choose for themselves, and bestowed upon them free will. Eve took the first bite. Adam did not have to follow.
I honestly don’t believe that an article combining free drinks, “boobies” and women’s suffrage could be amongst the pages of Florida’s top college newspaper.
After noticing the comment about people not understanding satire, I thought of just posting the last sentence. Then I thought again. This wasn’t a good attempt to be satirical- it was just sexist and made large generalizations.
And cue the outrage from those who don’t understand satire….