‘FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed,’ Ambrose Bierce.
In actuality,’ fidelity’s definition in the Oxford English dictionary is: ‘The quality of being faithful; faithfulness, loyalty, unswerving allegiance to a person, party, bond.’
Nonetheless, I believe Bierce defines fidelity in the way we most see it today, a virtue only possessed by the victims of an unfaithful partner.
I’ve always thought it was strange that in return for being loyal and giving yourself wholly to one person, they choose to repay you with transferring their sexual and emotional love and wants onto another person. This is often how infidelity is portrayed.
That if they truly loved you, they would never cheat; because they cheated, they are forever condemned.
Here’s something you may not have heard: infidelity has no victims.
Perversely, I’ve always been curious about the inner workings of it, the ‘Why?’ part, the darker side of cheating, where we actually question and truly understand the causes of infidelity’mdash;as well as the part we had to play in creating them.
I wonder why when love is ‘perfect’ two people are a part of it, and when it is ruined, suddenly, only one person is blamed?
There is latent hypocrisy I wish for students and society to address. People believe another man or woman can steal someone from them.
No one is stolen, they leave because they desire to because they’ve found something.
It is in the nature of human beings to seek what they cannot attain in their current situation, whether it is joy, sex, laughter, adventure or time.
All they’re doing is searching for what is missing or has been allowed to die in their current relationships.
The reasons people cheat involve both parties.
There is no victim.
People are often quick to demonize the cheater but not quick to ask what parts of the relationship their lover neglected to the extent that the cheater felt the need to seek that quality in another person.
Neglect leads to infidelity.
Men apparently cheat because they have a biological need to spread their seed, and thus find it emasculating to be ‘tied down’ to one woman.
Women cheat because their emotional needs are not met. I even heard human beings are innately incapable of being monogamous; thus, since monogamy is a recipe for failure anyway, why be surprised when it fails?
There are many excuses being thrown around, some trivial, some materialistic and some are downright absurd. But no true answers.
All humans need to be loved, I don’t believe someone would throw away the love of a person because they are evil, sadistic, insensitive, or a poor excuse for a human being.
I believe neglect is the villain here and communication (or lack thereof) is its most faithful accomplice.
So please, lavish you partner with time, and all love’s paraphernalia’mdash;affection, intimacy, laughter (amongst other things)’mdash;not with what you believe your partner needs, but what your partner asks of you. This is key.
Don’t assume because you’re busy, stressed or tired, your partner necessarily believes this is enough of a reason not to give 100 percent anymore.
Both partners play integral parts in relationships, in their beginnings, development and progression. You cannot blame the ruination of a relationship on a sole partner.
No one wins ‘the blame game’ anymore, so let’s stop playing it.
Philippa Hatendi may be reached at phatendi@ut.edu.