In a response to continued, overwhelming student demand, President Ronald Vaughn announced that UT would be halting construction on the Sykes Chapel, using the funds instead to build up the derelict lots near the Thomas Garage into parking for resident and commuter students.

‘You know, students have been asking for this for a long time,’ Vaughn said. ‘It’s about time we listened.’

The new parking lot will be seven stories tall and will feature a sky bridge connecting the fifth floor of Thomas to the new site so that students can easily migrate between the two lots.

‘This is going to be a great addition to our campus,’ Vaughn said. ‘I know my spot is guaranteed every day, but a lot of students have to fight for parking, which isn’t fair to them.’

Vaughn discussed some other aspects of the garage, including interesting decorative choices.

‘There will be a gold plated toilet for students on every floor and Dining Services will also have carts rolling around 24 hours a day, seven days a week for students’ convenience,’ Vaughn said. ‘Salsa Rico, Pandini’s and Chic-Fil-A will all be featured on these carts.’

According to the president, some lucky students will receive $20 bills on a random basis, just for using the new lot.

‘We want students as excited about the new parking lot as we are,’ Vaughn said.

The president also hinted that there may be a few surprises in the works for the new lot as well.

‘I know we pursue a pretty hard-line policy against alcohol on campus, but we’ve put that behind us ‘hellip; there may or may not be a wet bar at the top of the parking lot for of-age students to relax after a long day of classes. We’re planning on reopening the Rathskellar, as well!’

At this point, Vaughn terminated the interview in order to more closely examine his sand garden.

‘This is the best!’ exclaimed Sam Sung, a freshman. ‘I know I’m supposed to park in the West Lot, but screw that! I’m going to park here and get my snack on, bro!’

Natti Bombatti, a senior, thinks the money could have been more carefully spent.

‘We don’t need another parking lot! We need room service to come twice a week and a library that stays open all the time!’ She raved. ‘So what if the Internet has nullified most of the usefulness of the library? I like, would totally use it all the time except that it’s not open late enough.’

Some commuters expressed concern.

‘There’s no way I’ll ever use it,’ said Erika Erikson. ‘It’s way too far for us commuters to walk. That’s an extra block further than Thomas! You resident students should all have to park in West. Commuters are way more important!’

Bob Ruday also had some information to share about the lot.

‘I’m pretty excited about the new lot, myself,’ he said. ‘I know that the money was originally slotted for the Sykes Chapel, but this is a much better way to spend it.

We’ve also decided to keep his name off the structure,’ Ruday added. ‘He owns enough property around here.’

When pressed, Ruday revealed the name of the lot.

‘We’re going to call it the April Fool’s Parking Lot and Eatatorium,’ Ruday said.