(UWIRE) I am not going to BS you all here. It is hard to keep those New Years resolutions, and while I am no expert at advice or keeping goals that I set, I do have some things that might assist you on your journey to ‘hellip; well, whatever it is you’re striving for.
1. Weight loss
So you want to drop some of those pounds you collected over years of eating cheap food and only working out your fingertips by playing Madden? Here are a few ideas I have that may help you.
Binge eating is always a favored tactic amongst my group of friends. We binge eat for about 12 hours on Sunday, and see who can make it until next Sunday. Whoever breaks down and eats first we pull a prank on. I prefer slipping hallucinogens in their coffee: it’s enjoyable for both parties.
DANCE. Do what I do whenever I get a chance:Break it down like Shakira. If you try hard enough, your hips won’t lie either.
Start counting calories. Choose a prime number like 1069 (hah), then only eat foods that bring your count down to another prime number. This method proves quite effective, as it may be difficult to eat more than one or two items of food a day.
2. Filling up your savings accounts
This is a problem that most Americans are experiencing right now. But lucky you; I have the answer to your financial problems.
Sell yourself ‘hellip; I mean ‘hellip; empower yourself as the true sexual beast that you are. Legally, of course, I know this guy who used to be homeless who is starting a ranch outside of Las Vegas. I can totally hook you up with the address. Well, not really an address but you all know the where the El Prez parking lot is.
3. Getting into a relationship
This one happens to be my forte. For guys your goal is to look big. So, for the first five weeks of school just do peck exercises and eat only red meat. I recommend the cheap burgers at WinCo; 20 burgers for two dollars is a hell of a deal if you still haven’t figured out your financial problems.
Once you have the pecks, it’s going to be easy. Go to class, preferably a late night class when others tend to have been worn down by the hard edge of the world. Find someone who lacks self-esteem. (You can tell this by their body language. Usually they will hold their hands together in front of their stomach, or take shorter steps with less confident posture.) Now is your chance. You will only have a couple minutes, so practice this at home with your friends or a body pillow beforehand.
Walk up to them in a tank top, and say you have an itch in between your pecks but you can’t reach it because you’re sore from saving kittens in Africa. Once she has at least two fingers squarely between your pecks, squeeze ’em shut, yell fire and run. Your immense strength will drag her along by your side and she will be lost for words because you, a cute, disproportioned hunk saved her from a raging fire. But soon she will realize there was no fire. And you’re going to have to tell her the truth. I recommend a lie at this point, something along the lines of, ‘There really was one, it was the fire of my desire for you.’
Now, some love advice for the ladies. This all depends on what kind of guy you are going for, but for the sake of this advice, assume we are talking about your average Joe. Your main goal is to trick him into loving you. We may try to portray ourselves as strong, confident individuals, but inside we are just small boys excited by bright colors and soft things.
First set up a scenario with your girlfriends. When he is leaving class, trip and ‘sprain your ankle,’ right in front of his path. He of course will rush to your side and provide you a lift back up onto your feet. Now fall, and try to step on the ‘bad’ ankle but fall toward him, knocking him out by colliding your skull to the weak part of the back of his head.
A month later when he awakens from the coma you put him with a severe case of amnesia and a promise ring with your name engraved on the inside on his left index finger, you’re set. A few photoshopped pics on Facebook of you and your girlfriends partying with him and he is yours ’til the cold arms of death part you, like when I walk up to you and your girlfriend on the dancefloor and she goes home with me. Whats up now?!
4. Finding the right religion for you
Too late, you read too much of this already.
5. Quit Drinking/Smoking
Cigarettes have become a hassle now that they are no longer allowed indoors. Easy solution. Start using smokeless tobacco. You can still get your nicotine rush, and do it inside the bar.
But what about if you are trying to pick someone up at the bars, and they don’t necessarily enjoy the tendency of gagging that is caused by chewing tobacco. Another easy solution: Smokeless tobacco can provide the nicotine rush you deserve by duct taping a generous amount of it to any part of your body that is similar to an orifice. Most people tend to drift toward the rear end as it is easy to conceal, but I prefer the armpit or under the eyelid.
6. Becoming more social
If you are ready exit your cage of video games and porn[ography] and join us all in the real world, there are a few things you will need to know.
First off, you will need to wear two collared shirts. Make sure you pop one collar an leave the other one down, this way you will seem like you have been vain for so long that one collar has bowed down to show its respect.
Next is a good amount of cologne. Be careful because too much can keep people from enjoying your company. It is more often than not acceptable to be using cologne to cover up your true man smell, so don’t shower for a while (3-12 days) and hose your private areas down with a generous portion of Axe body spray. Now you are ready to hit the clubs and turn heads with your brand new swagger.
I hope by now you all have realized that everything in here is a facetious (not real) story imagined in minutes, all whilst not considering the consequences of what I was writing. I hope I have not ruined my writing career with this one, and implore you once again to not follow through with any of these options. Should you follow this advice, do not be surprised when you find that even your own reflection will avoid eye contact.
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