(UWIRE) Despite the fact that most of us have less than 12 days left on campus, i.e., less than 12 days to get all of our work done, confirm travel plans, pack up our stuff and say goodbye to friends, I thought it might be cute, in the spirit of the holidays, to give some suggestions for end of semester sex relations’mdash;that is, if you can even find the time to hook up in this maelstrom of papers and exams.

Then again, knowing Bowdoin students, exam period is apt to be rife with sex. Students will probably file it under their ‘stress relief’ file and begin to actively seek out titillating experiences to provide an escape from the onslaught of work. So then, without further ado, here are my 12 days of (se)x-mas:

On the first day of (se)x-mas my true love gave to me a phone number that I never called. If you’re looking for someone to hook up with, it may actually be advisable to dredge up the old phone numbers. But calling that one-night-stand you haven’t talked to since the first week of the semester and asking if they want to come over to watch a movie may just read as a thinly veiled booty call.

On the second day…an old pair of underpants. People forget where they flung things in the heat of the moment, and as you reach underneath your bed to get your suitcase you might encounter a ghost of hook-ups past. You should probably give whatever you have back to the person it belongs to, but remember to be discreet’mdash;no one likes their dirty underwear paraded around the Union.

On the third day…three erotic films. A low maintenance alternative to sexual relations in pairs or more.

On the fourth day…crushes on four different people. Happens all the time, but at the end of the semester it can get a little hectic. Try to remain calm and be honest; don’t start a double or triple life because you’ll never be able to finish your work with all that social juggling. We’ll talk more about polyamory next semester.

On the fifth day…five different sexual orientations! We’ve talked about this, but if you’re still struggling, try not to let your confusion interfere with your work. If you need to talk to someone, come to Out Peers drop-in hours in the Queer-Trans Resource Center.

On the sixth day… six forms of contraception. Condoms, dental dams, the Pill, diaphragms, spermicide, abstinence.

On the seventh day…seven fits of sardonic laughter. Remember Thumper, from the Disney movie Bambi? ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ You may feel like it now, but it’s probably not the best idea to get bitter or resentful about past hook-ups now. What you say now is the last thing people remember and, if it’s mean enough, they’ll carry it with them for four weeks over break. Just try and stay out of trouble.

On the eighth day…eight aching orifices. So, there’s a couple of reasons you might be a little sore. We talked about the STD thing, so you know that the Health Center is always there to get you tested and help clear things up the best it can. Lubricants are something we haven’t talked about, but they can be infinitely helpful to avoid irritation and discomfort when inserting foreign objects into bodily orifices.

On the ninth day…nine necrophiliacs. When I say necrophiliac, I mean a person who is obsessed with dead relationships. It’s the end of the semester, just let it go. Even if you and this person did get back together, you’d be going away for four weeks, so its probably best to leave it on the back burner until next semester.

On the 10th day…10 different sex positions. If you do end up getting it on during an intense organic chemistry cram session, think about switching things up. Trying something new might just get the adrenaline flowing enough to see you through the rest of the week (see Julia Bond’s ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’ column for more details).

On the 11th day…hickies in 11 different places. We haven’t talked about this yet, but it’s a real concern especially around holiday time. In my experience, it always seems like a good idea at the time, but just remember what it’s going to look like in the morning. A little rowdy neck action is hot, but what’ll Grandma think?

On the 12th day…12 pubic hairs, in my teeth. Gross. Well, maybe it’s just relative, but we’ll talk about grooming next semester.

For now, happy holidays and I’ll see you next year!