(U-WIRE) GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Pretty ugly. Seriously funny. Tragically comical. Constantly variable. Living dead. Clearly confused. Sweet sorrow. Near miss. Freezer burn.
We all love to spot oxymora. I’ve listed a few of my personal favorite oxymoronic phrases that I believe describe college life. I guarantee I could find an oxymoron for every situation. Maybe I need to get a life. Or maybe my obsession and seemingly arbitrary mentioning of quirky, paradoxical phrases is more than a random thought. Maybe when we look at the big picture — if that’s even possible, I’d call it a mural — we can compare the summation of our college experiences to one, long-winded oxymoron.
Perhaps, freshmen, this is an introduction to the essence of college life — a wonderful, heartbreaking, never-ending, fleeting, comical, tragic and almost indescribably describable experience. In the words of Conan O’Brien, and every late-night talk show host, “We’ve got a great show for you tonight, folks!”
Yes, college provides more ups and downs than Jennifer Lopez at the box office. The kicker is in the idea that sometimes we cherish the bad times as much as the good times. Freshmen may think I’m crazy. Graduates may think I’m crazy. Nursing home residents may think I’m crazy. But this is my truth and the one definitive thing I’ve learned thus far. If you’re not convinced, allow me to provide a few examples.
During my freshman year of college, I had the pleasure of living in luxurious Broward Hall. Actually, I’d prefer to describe Broward as a glorified detention center or penitentiary. Let’s not even discuss the bathrooms — I’ve seen refugee camps cleaner than Broward communal bathrooms. Yet, despite the grime, mold and mildew, it was one of the happiest periods in my life. I met amazing people who shaped my life and changed me for the better. However, a dormitory is just not complete without your usual assortment of weirdos and jerks. Broward boasted a collection of some of the strangest and most arrogant people I’ve encountered. Yet as freaked out as we were by the girl who didn’t wear shower shoes in the bathrooms or the one who talked to herself in the hallway, we still loved it. We relished the chance to discuss the girls next door who produced louder sex noises than elephants during mating season.
My first year in college was complete with a 3 a.m. trip to Shands for my roommate’s alcohol poisoning, midnight swims in campus fountains, sporadic runs to Beaty Market for ice cream, hoarding food from Broward Dining, throwing common room birthday parties and baking cakes in the wee hours of the night, surviving the infamous Broward fire that left students stranded in their pajamas outside the dorms for hours, carrying dead-weight friends back to their dorms after a night of partying too hard and anything else you can possibly imagine — or can’t even begin to imagine.
Like fingerprints, no freshman experiences are exactly alike. In general, no college experiences will ever be exactly alike. Yet, despite the diversity of day-to-day living, the culmination of all our college memories, incidents and adventures truly teach and alter us forever.
Ultimately, college will rob you of certain things, like dignity (occasionally), reputation (now and then), ego (thankfully), food (lunch is sometimes a luxury) and definitely money. Don’t fret though. When you look back, you’ll laugh. Time makes everything funnier. And even though you may find yourself falling into the red, sooner or later — probably later rather than sooner — you’ll find yourself amused and inspired by my own personal oxymoron — richly poor. If you despise oxymora, which renders my supposed thought-provoking efforts meaningless, then forget everything I wrote, but remember this — what doesn’t kill you makes a great story.