Once there was a country where everyone believed in cheddar cheese. Years ago, in the days of bland, there was nothing to eat with bread. That was before the Great Cheddar brought salvation through flavor. Through his teachings they learned how to live a cheesy life free of sin. Of course there were different denominations of Cheddar: the Mild, the Sharp, the Extra Sharp, the Extra Mild and the Shredded. Despite minor differences in doctrine, the main belief was the same: the great Cheddar was the savior. It was on their currency and in their national anthem. People put cow bumper stickers on their cars to show that they were true fermented milk-product believers.
The country’s government claimed to have a separation of church and state but the people knew better. You did not question the Great Cheddar openly for fear of alienation or worse, deportation. Questioning the Great Cheddar was unpatriotic, as was questioning the country’s ongoing war with a foreign land that believed in Swiss. The Swiss believers were extremists and were not to be trusted. Their teachings were full of holes, like their cheese and their souls.
One day a man in the country decided to organize a protest against the war. His daughter had died at the bloody Battle of Muenster earlier that year. After the death of his only child, the man decided it was time to put an end to the war with the Swiss. He was a good man who believed there probably was a Great Cheese even though he secretly distrusted organized worship. The day of the protest, he was the only one to show up. He carried a sign that said “Make Dip, Not War.” He was immediately arrested and put into jail.
Shortly after arriving at the jail, he was transferred to a secret government room. There the President (a born-again Cheddar) and other government officials gathered to watch the high priests bring the man to his senses. The Archbishop of the Sharp began the ceremony with: “Please, almighty Cheddar, clog our arteries with your everlasting love. We need your cheesiness to show this lost man the way.”
He turned to the man, “Do you repent, my son?”
The man said, “No.” Everyone gasped.
“Very well. Bring forth the sacred fondue pot!”
Ten men in holy garb wheeled in a fondue pot the size of Madison Square Garden. The Archbishop continued: “The sacred fondue will melt away this sinner.”
The President added, “Terrorist!”
Then the man was dipped in the boiling hot cheese. The war with the Swiss is still ongoing, and a new war with the Gouda is about to begin. It is sad to think that a good man died for something so cheesy. Do not open your mouth or you will be eaten.
THE END