Petrified by the prospect of a Ronald Vaughn presidential candidacy, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced his resignation this Tuesday morning.
In a bid to hide his move from Vaughn campaign staff in Cuba – the proposed site of Residence Hall LXXX – Castro is said to have inserted his farewell letter into the state-run Granma newspaper in the middle of the night.
This is not to be confused with the state-run Grandma newspaper, a large-print daily for gun-toting communist octogenarians that comes out at noon.
Castro, who has survived ten U.S. presidents and almost daily assassination attempts by an assortment of bumbling pro-western intelligence agencies, was declared clinically dead moments after reading that a “draft Vaughn movement” had begun.
The tyrant was rushed to hospital, where his condition was upgraded to “alive” for the ninth time that day. Shortly thereafter, he dictated a message for his Cuban “compatriots.”
On the campaign trail, Ronald Vaughn will debate former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee and “Internet famous” libertarian Ron Paul at Hillsborough Community College this week. Paul and Vaughn have agreed that whoever loses the debate, as determined by an Internet audience poll, will change his first name to the rarely used French punctuation symbol that indicates sarcasm, the “snark.”
Paul’s supporters are gearing up their ergonomic keyboards and wireless mouses in preparation.
Confronted with the news that, in order to win the Republican Party nomination, he would have to claim victory in all remaining primaries contests as well as one in a parallel universe where Mexico is a U.S. state, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee declared that he is “in the miracle business,” not the math business.
After finishing his statement, he was immediately mauled by a pack of rampaging statisticians.
Though Castro has clung more tenaciously to life than legendary vampire lord Dracula, the international community is considering that it might finally, finally, finally be safe to contemplate a future without Fidel.
Cuba may soon be ready to return to its halcyon past, where men were men, women were women, and monkeys wore berets and carried sniper rifles.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior Vaughn campaign staffer suggested that UT’s noted counter-revolutionary German Castro might serve as ambassador to Cuba in the university president-turned-politician’s administration.
Castro’s first duty will be to show solidarity between the Cuban and American people by smoking the world’s longest Cuban cigar, a prospect that already has UT’s Psychology department astir with new theses.
On the heels of primary victories in McKay Hall, Stadium Center, and the Boathouse, Vaughn seems poised to continue his meteoric rise. Returns from Urso Hall were mixed, with most students not yet certain what the heck “Urso Hall” even is.
But some commentators have raised concerns: for example, how can someone run for president when he is almost never actually seen in public?
“Nonsense,” said one Republican Party volunteer. “Dick Cheney spends most of his time hanging upside down in a dark cave, and look how well it’s worked out for him!”
It is not yet clear how Vaughn intends to contribute to a “democratic transition” for Cuba, a goal sought for decades by expatriates, politicians and western business leaders alike.
At the moment, Fidel’s brother Raul continues to hold the reins of authority, and the world community is waiting with bated breath to see if Castro shows signs of an actual retirement: golfing, driving very slowly, and complaining about kids on his lawn, for example.
But one thing is clear: if Cuba opens up fully to western business, we can expect a boom in tourism, industry and related businesses that will make Las Vegas look like Topeka.
Can a UT satellite campus in Havana be far behind? The Minaret will continue to cover these breaking developments.