(U-WIRE) PULLMAN, Wash. – Second Life could be the worst thing to ever happen to the internet. Yeah, worse than MySpace, worse than that w32.stupidface worm and certainly worse than any game out there.
It’s a game that’s not a game. Which should be excellent: It gives users amazing freedom. But that’s a bad thing. The internet is built on three things: freaky sex, greed and awful design. Second Life exhibits all of these in abundance.
At the very least, it should be technically sound. Wrong again. It’s bad enough that the client runs at half a frame per second, but the server lags – or drops connections – enough to almost make uptime the exception rather than the rule.
How did things in Second Life suddenly change from being the revolution in virtual worlds to a chat room full of people dressed as fashion plates for the uncanny valley or amorous walking zebras? Turns out all the breathless NPR pieces and kiss-ass articles in tech magazines aren’t going to polish this turd into the Metaverse from Snow Crash.
Heedless of its overwhelming failings, a friend of mine recently installed the game for a project and she had some trouble with a tenacious face tattoo, so I ventured into the manufacturer’s tech support site to perhaps seek an answer.
In doing so, I made the mistake of willfully ignoring a rule of the internet: When you see the phrase “Knowledge Base,” be aware that there will be nothing of any use. The things I found terrified even my jaded soul. And I’d like to present them to you with what I feel may be better answers.
“How to use Undo – With Video Tutorial” Watch this video for a full explanation about how to make things unhappen. Please note that this feature is not available in First Life.
“Changing gender.” Changing your avatar’s gender is a simple process. You will need a basic knowledge of entomology, a sewing machine, a house with a large basement and a copy of Q Lazzarus’ “Goodbye Horses.”
“How do I attach a body part to my avatar?” Your avatar comes equipped with a complement of common body parts. But there are a variety which can be attached surgically in-game. These include wings, horns, a Vomeronasal organ, several kinds of non-regulation phalluses or a UHF antenna. Additionally, your character can attach non-functional body parts capable of transforming them into several exciting objects, including a hand-operated washing machine or a 20-ounce bottle of Pepsi Blue.
“How do I find out everything I’m wearing?” There are objects scattered around the world that are composed of glass with a silvery backing, making them perfectly reflective. Seek one of these and, for a small fee, they will describe what you are wearing. These do not work for vampires – a fix for is expected in the next patch.
“How do I start dancing?” Dancing is accomplished by bringing on the funk. We want the funk.
“How do I stop dancing?” Dancing can be stopped by no longer bringing on the funk, no matter how much you want or need the funk.
“I got stuck in a box or a cage or something. How do I get out?” Generally, the zookeeper will be by for feeding time at several points during the day. Until then, please do not taunt the other animals, especially the tigers.
“I’ve suddenly and unexpectedly turned into an ugly woman.” Don’t worry about it, baby. We know you’ve got a great personality on the inside. And that’s what counts.
“Tips and Tricks: Better Building with Primfficiency!” Primfficiency is important because, thanks to its unique server architecture, Second Life has the feature of crashing if faced with anything more complex than a gray cube.
“How do I stop another Resident’s particles from appearing?” If the resident does not stop spewing particles, please seek an adult who you trust and ask for help. Do not approach the person spraying particles around or accept their offer to help find a lost puppy.
“How to locate particle sources.” Particles can be acquired by mashing things up into smaller parts. Several in-game items for achieving this end include a ball-peen hammer, a rock and a copy of “The Riverside Shakespeare” wrapped in several layers of aluminum foil. Natural particle sources can be found in The Crystal Forest of 10,000 Triceratops or the hallowed Ancient Fowl Grazing Lands.
“How to move your camera further and better.” The following tutorial will explain how to better use your mouse. This will be advantageous both in the game and on the wider internet, where being able to point at things and potentially click them is a valued skill, like being a cooper.
“Something happened and now I’m bouncing all over the world like it’s a trampoline. What do I do now?” Look, we might have crafted the incredibly complex underpinnings for this world. But there’s one thing neither we nor anyone else understand: Love.