Gourmet Grocer is a Fiendish Monarchist Plot

Over the years, UT and I have gotten along pretty well. Unlike the average biology student, I’ve never found myself unable to register for a class that’s only offered every six and a half years. I’ve only had one professor actively attempt to assassinate me, and I am even pleased with my required bout with math – a hideous branch of the dark arts I have not been compelled to practice since the last time Advanced Exobiology for Desperate Fifth Year Science Students was offered.

But when the university messes with my food, the sleeping giant must awaken.

Earlier this year, we had a close call when massive public outcry prevented UT administration from implementing the nefarious “meal periods” scheme.

Under this communist plot, students would only be able to use one meal exchange at a time and only within approved “periods,” approximately four hours apart. It was a brilliant idea: combining the fun and excitement of being commanded when to eat with the joy of being told where and how to spend your money.

It was as if a late-night brainstorming session among UT administration had produced the question: “This new building is really phenomenal, the food is delicious, the whole thing couldn’t be better – is there any way we can mess things up a little?”

When questioned about this, UT made vague claims about parental concerns and healthy dining choices. Apparently unimpressed by our ability to develop positive eating habits on our own, UT administrators decided to do so for us.

The Gatewaysization of eating had begun. It was only a matter of time before RAs would be spot-checking our hand-washing skills outside the bathroom.

Luckily, the meal period scheme disappeared within the first few days of the fall semester. I commend UT for this decision; doing things exactly the way they had always been done was a bold step in the right direction.

Unfortunately, we now face a new challenge that I fear might have been the result of the same brainstorming process.

In short: what’s up with Gourmet Grocer?

As soon as Gourmet Grocer opened, it attracted two kinds of people: health-conscious students who enjoy juice, and money-conscious students who were there to gawk at the prices. Among the “gourmet” offerings are Ritz Crackers, four dozen varieties of fruit juice, cr

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