John PhiferAs many of you know, last Tuesday President Bush gave his annual State of the Union address to Congress. Unfortunately I was unable to watch it live, as I was in The Minaret office fulfilling the duties of my esteemed editor, who is currently on a quest for the Holy Grail. Luckily, I have the internet, and thus a copy of the transcript and the ability to watch the video anytime I want.
I must tell you that I’m quite surprised at many of the new things that our president proposed and even discussed in his speech. In his coverage of the address, Jon Stewart related the far out suggestions of Mr. Bush as being similar to George Costanza’s in the “Opposites” episode of “Seinfeld.” In case you haven’t seen it, this episode shows George doing everything that’s the exact opposite of what his natural instinct is and being quite successful. If our commander-in-chief truly is basing his policy on a ’90s sitcom, then I’m heading for Canada right now!
My theory is based on yet another pop-culture icon, Superman. I’m sure that most people are familiar with the Bizarro World concept from Superman, where everyone and everything are the exact opposites of the real world. It is my belief that we did not have the President George W. Bush that we all know and love (Ha!) speaking to us that night. As it turns out, it was Bizarro Bush! It’s really the only logical answer. The Democrats have only had control of the Senate for a few weeks now, so there’s no way they’ve been able to scare him into making logical decisions. We all know that Bush doesn’t listen to most (if any) of his advisors or we wouldn’t be sending another 20,000 troops to Iraq. It has to be Bizarro Bush.
The first key point of evidence in my argument is in his opening statement, congratulating Senator Pelosi on the achievement instance would we ever see the real President Bush congratulate someone who is both a Democrat and a strong opponent of his on taking control of the House away from his beloved Republicans? It just doesn’t happen. Furthermore, I’m not even sure they had the real Cheney there; I think it was just a robotic dummy with a drunken operator. Cheney would burst into flames if he had to sit that close to someone with a soul for that long! Did you notice that he kept tipping over to one side? Watch it again: his controller was drunk.
My next point of contention is Bush’s discussion of reducing our dependency on foreign oil and increasing the production and use of renewable resources. First off, any public attempt on Bush’s part to reduce our use of oil has got to set off alarms somewhere in Texas, letting his buddies know that he’s finally gone nuts. That would be like McDonalds putting out an ad telling people to stop eating so much fast food. It’s just not good for business. I like where Bizarro Bush was going on this one, but I think he should have set goals that are actually going to make a difference. Cutting oil imports by 20 percent is nothing if all he’s doing is ordering more American oil. That only rests the timer on the oil clock.
It appears that even Bizarro Bush isn’t sure about what to do in Iraq. He claims that the additional 20,000 troops are essential to getting Iraq’s new government stable and under control. Not only that, but Bizarro Bush even wants us to increase the size of our armed forces by 92,000 in the next five years. How does he expect to increase the size of our Army by that much when we hear stories of our already overworked troops getting sent on third and even fourth tours of duty, not to mention the still rising death count? In this area, I must say that Bizarro Bush is even crazier than original Bush.
Finally, Bizarro Bush redeems himself by offering suggestions to help impoverished nations better themselves and eliminate disease. This is something that I haven’t heard since President Clinton was in office. As a matter of fact, he still works to support such causes today! It seems that it has finally occurred to Bush that in order to get other countries to not hate us, we have to do some good every once in a while. Too bad it took him six years to figure that out.
I must say that after comparing the actions of President Bush with those of Bizarro Bush, I really can’t say that I agree with Bizarro Bush any more than the original. Not only does he not have his act together any more than regular Bush, he doesn’t even make grammar mistakes, so he’s not as entertaining! Hope you enjoyed Gasparilla last weekend, enjoy the Super Bowl, bro!