“It’s the end of the world as we know it.” This infamous line from an R.E.M. song seems to ring true more and more often these days. The ways that the world will be coming to the end seem to get more creative every time, too. In the past, we’ve seen threats ranging from nuclear holocaust all the way up to Y2K.
The current list includes some old favorites as well as some new ones, so I feel it is my civic duty to make you all aware. In case you missed the official announcement, Congress recently declared that it would help save on energy costs if we extend daylight savings time by a total of four weeks. This March is the first time it will take effect, and it appears that our representatives in Washington unknowingly set the date for the end of the world!
According to experts, the effects of the extended daylight savings will be more detrimental to society as we know it than the extra energy costs. They tell us that items crucial to the daily operation of our country, such as VCRs, Blackberrys and the ever-stable Microsoft Windows operating system, may not reflect the correct time when we switch to the new daylight savings time. If these experts really are telling the truth, the effects could be disastrous!
Imagine on March 11th, you look at your Blackberry, and it tells you to go to the gym an hour late! Even worse, the VCR you depend on to tape that episode of “The O’Reilly Factor” for your collection misses an episode because it didn’t automatically adjust the time! The horror! Luckily, some companies have been planning ahead for this disaster and are trying to help us peasants out a bit. TiVo says that they’ve already issued a software update across their network to compensate for the problem, so maybe this should be your excuse to throw that VCR in the trash and move up the technological ladder!
Even more signs of the end are popping up everywhere. Last week, the inventor of the television remote control died. If that doesn’t mean the end is nearing, I don’t know what does. This man changed the way we all look at TV forever. Can you imagine a world where you have to get up to change the channel or turn the volume up? I don’t want to. It’s just too scary. These are truly serious times we live in when geniuses such as this are dying.
Back here at UT, another notable event occurred that may very well be the beginning of the end also! As you know, Student Government elections were held recently with a record turnout compared to last year.
According to official results, over 1,200 UT students voted in this year’s election! Obviously to most, these are very uplifting results compared to last year’s turnout of about 300.
What we must keep in mind here is that college students are inherently lazy. That’s not just my opinion; you can read it anywhere. The fact that SG was able to get nearly 25 percent of the student population at our school motivated enough to vote for their representatives scares the crap out of me.
If a quarter of our school is to be considered motivated, then the end is nearing sooner than we think!The more evidence I discover, the more I’m beginning to think Al Gore may have been right. This is all a very inconvenient truth.
Now, I’m not saying the global warming is going to have anything to do with the end of the world, but it certainly isn’t helping things at all. Of course, if this global warming stuff is really as bad as we’re to believe, then why has it still been so cold this winter? Yeah, there may not be tons of snow everywhere, but that doesn’t mean it’s warmer. All a lack of snow means is a lack of precipitation in most cases.
All in all, I think I’ve got a pretty strong case going for the end of the world. If the daylight savings theorists are right, then that means Spring Break will be our last days here on Earth. Otherwise, I’ll be keeping an eye out for manbearpig to let me know when the end is really close. He’ll be out on the corner of Kennedy and Dale Mabry with his sign. Let me know if you see him, bro!