John PhiferAs U.S. ambassador to Britain, it has been my pleasure to embark on a tireless quest to improve our relationship with the scepter’d isle by being photographed flashing the peace sign in front of as many national landmarks as possible.
However, I will now turn my attention to a somewhat more important topic (if one can be imagined), namely, the potential end of all human civilization on Earth.
I’m not sure how much coverage this has received in the United States, since it is considered by many to not be part of Earth.
I would like to take the opportunity to alert The Minaret‘s readership to this growing threat.
Over the well-intentioned objections of businessmen and industrialists who know what’s best for everyone, a certain cadre of uppity, tree-hugging scientists, no doubt funded by the Radical Left, has persisted in claiming that global warming is real and that it has a man-made cause. They have recently released a report that has many prominent figures convinced of this outlandish claim, mostly through the use of such fancy bourgeois techno-babble as ‘research’ and ‘statistics.’
Furthermore, they claim, we can expect the next century to be the scene of massive climate changes, ever-worsening weather conditions and a rise in sea level of close to two feet. This would seem to be disturbing news for those who spend most of our time in Florida, the second lowest state in the U.S.
But don’t despair! An unprecedented global shift in geographic and ecological conditions doesn’t have to be the end of the world! Just ask the cute little proto-mammals who eventually evolved into our lovable human species.
If you act now, this disaster could mean fun and profit! After all, in 100 years, the worst of the impact will be somebody else’s problem.
Jackpot! Just follow my simple instructions, and you’ll be taking global warming all the way to the bank ‘- assuming, of course, that your bank is sufficiently above sea level.
1) First and most importantly, learn to drive a BOAT. Today’s modern boats are only step one. If you’ve ever seen Kevin Costner’s ‘Waterworld,’ you realize that technologically advanced equipment will go fast.
You should also become familiar with Soviet-era submarines, kayaks, Spanish galleons and that most trusty steed, the bottle-nosed dolphin. A world where most everything’ under the sea offers the chance for incredible freedom!
If you decide you don’t like the salty sea dog who was just elected captain of the United Ships of America, simply cast off. Otherwise, you’re stuck!
2) Two, destroy all RECORDS of your existence. For those of you wondering what to do with your degree from UT, this is your big break! Most of Florida will soon be sharing the neighborhood with Atlantis.
Once this happens, the Lost Kingdom of Florida is bound to be idealized as a legendary utopia. And we all know what the greatest college in our legendary utopia was, right? The University of Tampa!
I’m sure that Dr. Vaughn or his mer-man successor will attempt to salvage UT, quite possibly by building a self-contained biodome on the ocean floor.
Fear not, though, since judging from how Kennedy Place turned out, this project isn’t likely to be much of a success.
3) Become adept in BREATHING UNDERWATER. If this proves difficult, learn to PHOTOSYNTHESIZE SUNLIGHT for nutrients. Either of these skills will come in handy under the circumstances.
Don’t worry if progress is slow at first: it should only take a couple of million years before you show a marked improvement!
4) Go into REAL ESTATE. Land will be more valuable once there’s so much less of it, and people will be less eager to liquidate it ‘- so to speak.
A clever business strategy would be to estimate what areas are going to be beach-front property in a hundred years and buy it all up while no one is looking.
I also recommend purchasing Reading Railroad and putting a hotel on Baltic Avenue. This will leave you in great shape to take advantage of the housing boom that’s going to occur when wealthy pirates start to trade in their swag and retire. The market lives!
5) Speaking of, look out for PIRATES. The best thing you can do to look out for pirates is start being nice to everyone right NOW. I, for one, intend to hoist the Jolly Roger and set sail for Kansas City, Mo. as soon as the rule of law begins to break down.
You never know whose Nixon-style enemies list you may end up on, so try to limit the number of tribal blood feuds you become involved in to the absolute minimum necessary to survive. Avoid taking jobs in telemarketing firms, tax collection agencies or other institutions that are bound to be ripe for plundering after the Great Flood.
It seems science has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that man-made global warming exists. The only hold-outs now are right-wing radio talk show hosts and that annoying guy on the local news who always picks one of the three cold days per year in Florida to go, ‘Sure is cold today! So much for global warming, yuck yuck yuck!’
Things may seem grim, since the general prognosis is that nothing we can do will stop or reverse the warming process for decades.
But where some see crisis, I see opportunity! First, I’m going to visit Britain, Japan and all the other islands soon to be relegated to Davy Jones’ locker.
Once I get back, it’ll be time to set sail for adventure! Don’t think of it as an environmental crisis, think of it as Gasparilla every day! Yo ho ho …