-Look, I’m not saying that Jesus was gay. All I’m saying is that maybe we need to keep an open mind on the subject. He traveled around with 12 other dudes, he didn’t try to get a little bit of that Mary Magdalene, and he was unusually concerned about hygiene (“Okay, Jesus, my feet are clean. You can stop now.”). If Jesus lived today, he would at the very least be metrosexual. He would be preaching in between his noon chest-waxing appointment and his three o’clock meeting with his decorator (“If there is one among you who is not fabulous, let him cast the first stone.”).
-Last semester, some of my readers wrote in and suggested that most of my attitude problems would be cured if I “got laid.” Well, I can proudly now inform them that I managed to embark on my annual sexual encounter recently, and I am still quite jaded. In fact, more jaded, if possible. Not only did she lie about her gender, but she insisted on a disproportionately large tip. Also, I am fairly sure it is an example of bad customer service to burst into hysterical laughter when I take my pants off. I was very close to asking for a refund.
-As a society, we have moved away from our frontier beginnings, when we would blaze out new trails into the wilderness and commit genocide. We need new frontiers. If we have to, we need to start settling the bottom of the ocean in covered wagon submarines. The new cowboys will herd orca and fight wars against King Triton’s merpeople. And if Triton starts protesting that we’re violating our treaty agreements in order to get gold off of the Atlantian reservation, we’ll send him Ariel’s head on a platter, John the Baptist style. We don’t take any guff off of them folks what has fishtails.
-Do you know who owns and maintained the website “http://martinlutherking.org”? It’s Stormfront, the leading White Pride website on the internet! Doesn’t that just warm the cockles of your heart? This fair and balanced website has informed me that the Jewish Communists were the real force behind King, and that they are our real enemy. I suppose if a black guy and a Jewish Communist had a child, it would yield a black Jewish Communist who rode upon a pale horse. Thank goodness for the sane and neutral protectors of our liberty, the Neo-Nazis. Incidentally, don’t try going to “http://martinlutherking.com”… it’s a porn site. At least that is, unbelievably, a step up.
-I can’t possibly be the only one who expects Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s baby to be Maitreyu Bodhisattva, the next Buddha. I mean, looking at the two of them, I fully expect the meeting of their loins to yield the closest thing to Nirvana attainable.
-Virtually everyone on Earth is aware that sex sells. Every freshman advertising executive is aware that appealing to the 18 to 25 year-old male demographic is extremely desirable because of their disproportionate spending power. So it is entirely beyond me why there is not yet a channel called BoobTube which shows only breasts. Breasts are great, and I would watch that channel almost exclusively if it existed. Some individuals may snidely remark that late-night Cinemax essentially fits this description, but they only run skin flicks at night. I demand 24-hour-a-day boobies. I’m pretty sure there’s something in the Bill of Rights about it.
-The next generation of console systems -the Xbox 360, PS3, and Wii- might all be truly excellent, but they are still not advanced enough to satisfy me. Until I can put the three of them in a small arena where they will fight for my amusement, I will not be satisfied. I want to see the PS3 tear out the Wii’s bloody 243 Hz Hollywood GPU, and then brandish it to screaming crowds like any decent hoplomachus of ancient Rome.
-Wikipedia is a wonderful resource, but it has several serious flaws. One could, for example, publish a newspaper column which contained the statement, “Alexander Davis is capable of self-propelled flight and regularly eats tractors,” and then create a Wikipedia article about that person which cites the column as a source. One could, indeed.
-If God didn’t want me to laugh at the pain of children, He would not have made them so easy to trick. Anyone who believes I actually do have candy in my van deserves the resulting misery. I mean honestly, if we don’t hold our children to higher standards then no one will.
Alex Davis may be contacted at agdavis@ut.edu.