Over three months have passed since Governor Rick Scott signed a bill requiring welfare applicants to pass drug tests. Those opposed to the plan said the tests would play on prejudice and stereotypes, and amount to a colossal waste of money. Turns out that since the policy has been enacted, only two percent of welfare applicants have tested positive for drugs. This is an extremely low statistic considering that the false-positive rate of drug testing is five to ten percent.
Denying this two percent welfare amounts to $40,800-$98,400 in savings per year out of a $178 million total cost (according to the Tampa Tribune), and these numbers don’t reflect the costs of law enforcement and emergency room care that may arise as a result of turning these people away. Apologists for the policy say that welfare applications have gone down since the testing came into effect, but whether or not this happened because of the drug testing is up in the air—many could have simply found jobs. Also keep in mind that applicants are required to front the drug test’s cost, and they’re applying for welfare.
A friend of mine proposed a retributory policy, that members of Congress should have to endure the same annoying drug tests. See how they like it, was the rationale. I thought it a great idea, though for somewhat unrelated reasons. Drug testing government officials fits right in with my own plan for fixing partisan gridlock in Washington, and it’s a practical one. Ready? Mandatory drug use.
Hear me out. Take just one drug—let’s say pot—and apply it to every congressman and congresswoman. Does anyone really think Congress would be worse off under this scenario? For instance, a staffer could be hired to blow bong hits toward House Speaker John Boehner’s face at any hint of righteous indignation. We can watch the THC lull him to sleep. It’ll go something like this; Boehner: “What the ‘Merican people want . . . people want . . . ‘Merican people . . . ‘Merica . . .” Boom. He’s Out. Moderate congresspeople of all political stripes will peek out from their hiding places on Capitol Hill and sing, “Ding! Dong! We can legislate now!”
And, a la Bill Clinton, they don’t even have to inhale. There’s always brownies! Congressman Barney Frank may prefer this mode of ingestion.
Why stop with one drug? Different politicians have different deficiencies. Imagine, a pharmaceutically corrected government!
Harder stuff will have to be procured for Tea Party Republicans, probably LSD. Their political philosophy would make much more sense as the result of an acid trip. There’s something hippie about their anti-social safety net, bring back the gold standard, don’t raise the debt ceiling brand of rhetoric. It seems to come naturally out of an acid head’s mouth: “Hey, man, don’t you know money’s just like a f—-n’ piece of paper, man? And the government, man, they’re like big brother, man, always looking over your shoulder. They own you, man. So let’s smash the system, stick it to ‘em, bring the whole motherf—-r down.” Fits easily, doesn’t it? So let’s transform the Tea Partiers from mean-spirited economic troublemakers to benign, smelly, hippie-types. Who knows? Maybe they’ll turn on, tune in, and drop out.
Generally, Democratic lawmakers should be prescribed uppers rather than downers. President Obama’s lack of backbone could be corrected with simple amphetamines. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who is more radically droopy, may require anything up to methamphetamine. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.
Let’s say ecstasy all around for House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and the Democratic caucus. They sure could shed some of their “woe is me”-type attitude in time for election season. If any drug ensures bipartisanship, it’s E. It’s the kind of drug that could inspire a Max Cleland/Karl Rove bro-hug. When properly medicated, we’re all the same after all. It’s the great untapped equalizer.
Okay, maybe this is a slightly Brave New World-ian proposal. But, medicated government officials isn’t a new thing. President Kennedy treated his Addison’s Disease-induced back pain with daily injections of speed. And people like him, don’t they? Who knows how many other great American heroes were totally stoned. I’m not about to make any Ed Muskie on Ibogaine-type accusations, but the number’s probably bigger than you’d think.
Hey, all I’m saying is that with Congressional approval rating at its lowest point ever, and President Obama not faring well either, it’s time to consider unorthodox fixes. Mandatory drugging of government officials will require a new infrastructure for creating and administering the amount of drugs needed to pacify Washington (and trust me, we’ll need a lot of drugs). Sounds like job creation to me.
That on top of the jobs bills that could result through Washington getting along for a change. Ah, yes, change, that often abused political catchphrase. I, for one, mean it this time.
Mikey Angelo Rumore can be reached at michealangelorumore@gmail.com.
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