Men Must Fight Date Rape, Too

(UWIRE) Women often proclaim, much to the chagrin of their male friends, that ‘all men are pigs.’ This, of course, is not true.

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But there are far too many pigs — pigs, and sexual criminals — among us. Events such as Tuesday night’s ‘Take Back the Night’ rally, an annual candlelight vigil that concludes with a heart-wrenching ‘speak out’ in which survivors of sexual assault share their tragic stories, make that fact painfully clear.

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I wish every man in America, or at least every male student at my university, could attend Take Back the Night and listen to these women’s stories. Then they would know what every survivor and every friend of a survivor knows: One night of reckless ‘fun’ for an unthinking jerk can create a lifetime of pain, anguish and fear for that jerk’s sex object of choice, who also happens to be a living, breathing human being.

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I am convinced that if every man saw what I’ve seen — the long-term impact that date rape has on its victims — the number of incidents on college campuses would plummet. Perhaps this is a Pollyannaish notion, but I feel it in my heart.

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I know there are hardened sexual criminals in this world, a few of whom are undoubtedly enrolled at USC, but I believe that most of the otherwise respectable college men who hurt women in this way do not fit that description. I suspect that most men who lure women to parties to get them drunk and have sex with them do not intend to ruin their lives; they merely intend to have a good time.

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I am not being an apologist here. Their actions are immoral, despicable and criminal. I would punch any of them out if I had the chance. But often, I think, they are not malicious. They are participants in a date-rape culture that is frighteningly prevalent at USC and colleges across America, and they may not even think they’re doing anything wrong. And that’s the really scary thing,

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In this day and age, virtually everyone, again excluding hardened sexual criminals, accepts that ‘no means no.’ Most would also agree that actual unconsciousness means no. And few would argue anymore — at least out loud — that a girl is ‘asking for it’ simply because she is wearing a revealing dress or acting flirtatiously.

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But the lines are rarely so neatly drawn as that. And there is a whole culture of partying, drinking and sex that is fundamentally built around the ambiguities that arise when sex and alcohol mix.

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Sure, it’s wrong to use alcohol to coerce a girl — but what if you’re merely cajoling her? What if you know she’s drunk, but you’re not sure how drunk? Does that give you a green light, or at least plausible deniability?

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What if you’re drunk, too? Does that mean you can rape her with a clear conscience? (Hint: If you’re sober enough to ask yourself this question, the answer is no.)

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What if you think she wants it — she never said so when she was sober, and you wouldn’t bet your life on it, but you think so? It’s OK then, right?

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Men who buy into this sort of logic — and there are many who do, to varying degrees — are looking at the definition of date rape as a technicality instead of a moral absolute. They are focusing not on doing the right thing, but on giving themselves cover. They wonder, ‘Can I get away with it?’ or, ‘Can I justify it?’ when they should be asking themselves, ‘Am I sure she’ll be OK with this in the morning?’

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I do not mean to vilify all men when I say this. How could I? I am a man. I know there are plenty of good men out there; I’d like to think that I’m one of them. Nor do I mean to say that parties are always bad or that alcohol is inherently evil.

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But far too often, our half of the species lets our libido get the better of us, and we make the conscious choice to do things with a semi- conscious girl that we know she will, or might, wish had never happened.

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‘But women are fickle!’ some men will protest. ‘It’s not my fault if she wants it now and regrets it tomorrow!’ That’s not the point. Consensual trysts between sober adults of sound mind are not at issue here. It’s when the sobriety and soundness of mind disappear that the problems begin.

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We already know that ‘no means no,’ so let’s add a few new rules to the rulebook: Possibly means no. Maybe means no. Probably means no. And if she’s so drunk that she can’t even give you a straight answer, that definitely means no.

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Only a clear, sober ‘yes’ means yes. If there is any doubt whatsoever, it isn’t worth the risk. There will be other chances to get laid. The girl whose life you might ruin doesn’t have another life.

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These rules are based on two simple premises: chivalry and human decency. Unless both are entirely dead, we should be ensuring that the females in our lives are comfortable and happy — which, obviously, makes it a big no-no to do anything that would actually cause them harm. And make no mistake: any form, any degree of sexual assault causes women great harm.

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This is a key point. Somewhere along the way, some of us seem to have forgotten that we are supposed to treat women right, even if it requires a measure of self-sacrifice. Sure, you wanted it, and sure, you might have thought she wanted it, but did you think about the consequences if it turns out you were wrong? Your moral justification won’t make her feel any better if she finds herself unable to trust anyone again for years. Why did you risk it?

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The vast majority of participants in events like Take Back the Night are invariably female, and understandably so. The vast majority of college-age victims of sexual violence are women. But with all due respect to the many hard-working female activists who have made so much progress during the last 30 years in the battle against sexual violence, what the fight needs most now is a few good men.

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Men, as the most frequent perpetrators of sexual violence, are in the best position to change things, to dismantle the date-rape culture.

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We need to speak out against it among our friends, to fight it in our own lives, to both practice and preach a values system that respects women and despises all forms of sexual assault.

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Sexual violence is an ugly blot on the reputation of the male half of the human race, and it’s up to us to clean up our gender’s act.

For The Minaret’s other stories, follow the guide below:

‘middot;‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ What Is Sexual Assault?

‘middot;‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Minaret Special Investigation

o‘ ‘ ‘ Both Sides of the Story

o‘ ‘ ‘ The State declines to prosecute, and UT J-Board takes up the case

o‘ ‘ ‘ Lack of Charges Kept Him on the Court

o‘ ‘ ‘ Problems Plagued Conduct Process from the Start

o‘ ‘ ‘ A Challenge to our Readers

‘middot;‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ UT’s Definition

o‘ ‘ ‘ Definition of Terms