And Finally…. Letters You Never Thought You’d Read

Dear Coach Urso, Did you seriously lose a game? This is unacceptable. We come to want undefeated seasons, back-to-back-to-back championships, and 15-0 blowouts of every team. And you lost to an SSC opponent too? You’re damn lucky it wasn’t a conference game. Shape up or ship out. You’ve won something like 11 championships here (maybe an exaggeration) but regular season losses are inexcuseable! You’re on a short thread here, dude.

Love, The Guy Who Watches Games in the Rain

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Dear David Stern, Congratulations on having a successful All-Star Weekend down in New Orleans. After last year’s fiasco in Las Vegas, very few people thought New Orleans would be any better. Somehow, you pulled it off. You had the single biggest day of community service in professional sports with over 2,500 NBA players, coaches, media members, executives all taking part in painting schools and lifting the spirits of those who need it most. You also had a renaissance of the slam-dunk contest thanks to Dwight Howard and Gerald Green. Finally, you had a decent game with a spectacular finish thanks to LeBron James, Ray Allen, Chris Paul, Amare Stoudemire, and Brandon Roy, four of whom are 25 and under. Welcome back NBA. Love, Formerly disgruntled NBA fans.

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Dear Roger, Did you throw me under the bus, for real? We all remember what you did all those years ago with Brian. But you’re only going to admit to watching me take hGH before a swimsuit shoot? Seriously? We are, you know, married, and stuff. Maybe take one for the team here? Love, Debbie Clemens, your wife and scapegoat

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Dear Kelvin Sampson, Seriously, what on earth were you thinking? Violating almost the exact same rules you were cited for after I hired you at Basketball University. Only you could make Bobby Knight look like a Godsend. Good luck at your next gig, because your run at IU is over. Please on you way out wipe off the egg that you left on our faces. Love, Rick Greenspan and Mike McRobbie.

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Dear Loyal Fans, Mr. Mitchell is a liar. He’s just jealous that he always got picked last in grade school stickball. So now he’s gone off and made up allllll this stuff about steroids and hGH and players with ugly mothers. You still love us. You’re still going to come to the games, spend tons on tickets, food and drinks. It’ll pay our salaries, buy us some nice vacation houses, the usual. Keep up the good work. Make sure you don’t take the blindfolds off and see us for the frauds that we are. Love, MLB Owners.

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Dear Eastern Conference, Except for the Pistons, Celtics and the LeBron’s please don’t bother sending any other teams to the playoffs. Our playoffs will be by far one of the most exciting playoffs recent memories and no one will be watching your playoffs until Conference Finals anyways. So why don’t you just let those three teams in and give your five remaining playoff spots to us. The Pistons and C’s are the only two legit teams in your conference. And the only reason we’re letting the LeBron’s in are because of TV ratings. Love, The Western Conference P.S. Tell the National League the American League feels the same way.

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Dear Mr. Pettitte, Thank you for rationalizing cheating. I was really concerned that I was doing something wrong when I broke the rules, but thanks to you I realize how crazy that idea is. As long as I can pay my speech writer to make me sound sincere, I can continue cheating limitlessly on tests and ignoring sports regulations to gain the edge I deserve. Love, A UT Student

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Dear Dirk Nowitzki, How does the back of my hand taste? Love, LeBron James.

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Dear Major League Baseball, Thank you for keeping all the steroid use attention on you. We’ll continue to steal the claim as America’s favorite past time while you fuel your own internal demise. We hope you’re enjoying your congressional hearings as much as we’re enjoying our hGH. Love, The National Football League P.S. If you run into Bill Belichick let him know his thank you was returned.

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Dear Scott Kazmir, Playing in October, eh? Baseball is all about entertainment, so I guess you’re earning your paycheck. You made us all laugh for days and days. Thanks. We needed it. Love, Rational Baseball Fans

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